a thankful heartache

Starting with McClain’s baptism and Baker’s baby dedication at church on Mother's Day and ending today with the birth of my nephew………the past 2 weeks have been full.

McClain accepted Christ as her personal Lord and Savior on Easter Sunday. This is the most important thing we as parents pray for! Her baptism was her public commitment and act of obedience in following Jesus. Then Doug and I, along with our church family pledged to raise Baker in a Christ following home and teach him the word of God, praying for him to one day surrender his life to the Lord.

A few days later Carter turned 13 and McClain graduated from kindergarten. I sat there next to my 13 yr old son, listening to all the kindergarteners sing and smile and I just cried.

I didn’t cry because McClain was growing up, I cried because of all the hope and promise those little babies on stage represented. I cried because this was my 4th child to graduate from kindergarten and all the hopes and dreams I have had for each one of them came rushing in. Each and every parent that sat there was filled with pride and joy for their child, anticipating the day that their child will graduate high school and how quickly it will come. 

Xander is not here to celebrate these moments with us. He is not here to enter high school in August. He is not here to play catch with Carter. He is not here to take family pictures. He is not here to live life with us. He will not be here ever again. It shakes me to my core. Xander has been gone from this earth for 1001 days, and just the other night as we were leaving a ball game I found myself looking around and counting heads and couldn’t shake the fact that one of mine was missing. It is so bizarre how incomplete it feels. 

This last week my heart has been so full, I mean full to the brim. I live a beautiful life in my opinion. This is not what I would have chosen for Doug and I. But I am truly thankful. I am thankful for every thought I have of Xander. I am thankful for every moment he was in my arms. I am thankful for every tear I cry. I am thankful that I see Xander in Baker’s little face and when Baker grunts at me, I smile because Xander did the same thing.  The Lord will use my heartache. He will use my heartache to mold me and shape me into what He wants me to be. 

And then today……a sweet baby boy entered the world, born to my sister in law and brother in law. A little boy who will never know Xander Hall Moore this side of eternity, but will carry his name on earth. Wilson Hall Morreau, I have yet to hold you in my arms but I have prayed for your health and safe delivery. You and Baker Hall will be the best of cousins and I can’t wait til both of you are old enough to understand the miraculous power of God displayed in Xander’s big 11 years and 9 months.

Life with Baker Hall Moore

“The beauty I am experiencing with Baker right now I will never get to share with Xander, but the beauty that Xander is experiencing right now will someday be mine as well”

                                             

                                                                                                        

Our family welcomed Baker Hall Moore into the world on October 23, 2015 at 9:45pm. Baker weighed 8lbs 6oz and was 21 1/2 in long. Oh the joy and tears that flooded our home that night were indescribable. Carter rejoiced because he was so thankful to have a little brother and not another sister!! As I held the baby in my arms for the first time I still did not know if it was a boy or a girl. I simply knew that I was holding a new life, my baby had taken its first breath in the same room where Xander took his last breath. It was surreal. It was agonizing. It was beautiful. It was ordained by God. It was painful. It was a gift. The purest joy was present at the same time the purest of sorrow. Once again I was reminded that only God can allow someone to feel such extremes at the same time.

My entire pregnancy I was aware of how emotional it would be to welcome a new member of the family and continue to grieve for Xander. When I found out I was pregnant my very first thought was “I’ll never have a picture with all my babies”. I never imagined just how difficult the labor and delivery process would be. I underestimated the heaviness of grief and how it would affect labor. I am thankful for my husband and his complete calmness that day. Doug’s ability to meet all my needs was a blessing. I am thankful for my midwife who has known me for years, delivered Carter and Charli with me and was present at Xander and McClain’s births even in the hospital. She helped me embrace the sadness, fear and beauty of Baker’s birth. 

Baker is now 5 1/2 months old. He brings so much sweetness to our lives. His little face looks like Carter and his mannerisms are like Xander. Carter tells me all the time "its the best of both of them". He is right. 

We are full swing into baseball, softball, and T-ball. Baker has learned to go with the flow! It's a little weird watching your 7th grade son run track while holding a baby. I am constantly reminded that when Carter graduates high school, Baker will graduate kindergarten!!!

There are so many moments that I wish I could share with Xander. So many times when we are all together experiencing one of Baker's "firsts" my heart will simply ache for Xander. Longing to see him hold Baker in his arms. Longing to have a picture with all 5 of my children. For the last 963 days of my life; I have missed Xander. My family has changed drastically. The family pictures that hang on my walls are now missing Baker, but new ones will not have Xander. UGH! 

We took pictures last month and when I looked at our family pic for the first time it looked so weird, kind of funny. Here Doug and I are with these 3 big kids and a baby :)

I literally laughed out loud. 

The point being this; life is good, but life hurts. From the moment that Xander physically left our home and entered into the presence of Jesus; life kept going. Some days its like I'm watching everything happen in slow motion. Its moving forward and I am trying to hold onto it with all my might. It will never slow down and it will never stop. I want to capture it all and I want to savor it. Yet, we are moving further and further away from the life with Xander. How can I live both of them together? 

I will continue to thank the Lord for the moments that I think of Xander, smile and have perfect peace. I will also continue to thank the Lord for the moments that I think of Xander, cry and feel my heart crumbling. It is in these moments that I experience God in the most personal ways. It is during these times that I must surrender to His will and wait patiently for the work He is still doing in me.

Enjoy the pictures and feel free to laugh (and cry) with me!

Xander's Funeral

About 2 months ago I came across some pictures on my dad’s computer. Pictures that I had no idea existed. Pictures that only my uncle Randy would take. Pictures that I am forever grateful for.

2 years ago on this very day, August 26, 2013, we celebrated Xander’s life and placed his earthly body in the ground. It was a surreal day, a beautiful sunshine day, a day Doug and I prayed we would never have to experience. No parent should ever have to bury their child. But we did, and we are still living and breathing to tell about it. Time has continued to move forward, even on the days we wished it would just stop, it hasn’t. As I look back on these pictures I see just how much Carter, Charli and McClain have grown and physically changed. I see just how much Xander’s friends have grown. These were babies, children………having to carry the casket of their dear friend. Nothing about these pictures is normal.

Yet, I could look at them all day long. I can look at them and remember the ache in my body. The physical depth of grief we were living. As I scroll through each picture I notice the people who were there to support us, to hug us and to cry with us. The people who LOVED Xander Hall Moore, the people who had cried out to God to heal this child, the people who carried us when we were too weak to function. Everyone from family, police officers, football players, best friends, teachers, doctors, nurses, and even some complete strangers filled the church that day.

We are still grieving and some days my body still physically aches and longs to hold Xander in my arms, to hear his voice, oh to hear his laughter. But we live, because Jesus lives, we live and we face each day with hope. The same hope that carried us through 9 years of battling cancer is the same hope we had on the day Xander took his last breath and it is the very same hope we had when we looked at his earthly body one last time. Our hope is JESUS! I pray that you would know that very same hope that can only be found in Jesus.

Here are a few of the pictures from Xander's Funeral service

Going to camp

I'm packing for youth camp and all I can think about is the suitcase I'm not packing. Carter, Doug and I will go without Xander. Still doesn't seem real at times. All the while I'm feeling this new life kick inside of me. Life is beautiful and so painful all in one breath. My heart rejoices and my heart hurts. This is just he way it will be. Oh dear Jesus, you have blessed us with so much. Thank you for the 11 years and 9 months we had Xander. Oh how I wish he was still here. I wish he was going to camp with all his friends tomorrow. 

"Rest in God alone, my soul, for my hope comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my stronghold; I will not be shaken. My salvation and glory depend on God, my strong rock. My refuge is in God. Trust in Him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts before Him. God is our refuge.  (‭Psalms‬ ‭62‬:‭5-8‬ HCSB)

I know that in my sadness, there is still joy. I know there are people hurting all over this world today that do not have joy. Without Jesus there is no joy. Even with Jesus we have to be willing to let  His joy fill our hearts. It's a choice. Because I believe in God's promises and stand on His truth. I know that joy, even on the days I don't feel it......I still know it in my heart. 

I pray that wherever this finds you today, you would trust God in all things, let His joy flood your soul. 

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow. Tomorrow we will go to camp. Please pray that lives are changed and that our youth will draw closer to the Lord this week and listen to His voice. Xander doesn't need church camp. Xander is already in the presence of his King, forever!

Baby #5

Doug and I will welcome our 5th child into the world November 2015. The exact month that Xander would be turning 14 yrs old.

About 15 months ago Doug and I began talking about another child. Do we? Don't we? Should we? Acting as if it was really our decision at all! We couldn't make up our minds so we decided to revisit it in a few months. Neither one of us could say 100% that we were done having kids. So, we decided to give it to the Lord. Let God decide! After all, He knows our hearts, He knows every desire, every motive, and everything we need. He knew we needed another baby!

The fact that this baby will be born in November, Xander's birthday month, is just the icing on the cake! God's timing is perfect. We never find out the gender of our baby until we hold them in our arms and that will be the same this time around. There are lots of questions and emotions that come with this pregnancy. Could God really give us another November baby boy? Would he look like Xander? Does God want Carter to have 3 little sisters? How much would Carter love having a little brother? Should we name him or her after Xander?

Then there are the reality statements; I will never have a picture of all my children. I will never feel complete. I will never see Xander hold this baby in his arms. I didn't get to see the look on Xander's face when we announced we were pregnant. Based on Carter, Charli and McClain's response I can only imagine the joy Xander would have expressed. Lord willing this baby will never know what it is like to sit in a clinic all day while big brother gets chemo. This baby will never eat out of a vending machine on a weekly basis! Our family is changing and Xander is missing it.

My heart knows peace, joy and sorrow. My heart is overflowing with thankfulness for this life inside of me. My heart longs to glorify the Lord. My heart misses Xander. I get to bring one more child into this world. One more child that will know the life and testimony of their big brother, Xander Hall Moore.  I remember in the first few months after Xander died, truly wondering how there could be goodness still in store for our family. I knew that the Lord still had blessings and goodness for us, but I really struggled with imagining what that would look like. Now I am getting a glimpse!

I hope you will rejoice with us as we wait for this baby's arrival and as we let the Lord prepare our hearts and our home.

Romans 15:13 "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit" 

grief

I am learning more and more about the seasons of grief. Unfortunately there is no rhyme or reason. There is no pattern that I have yet detected. Simply some days and even weeks are peaceful and then it comes like a tidal wave, and it feels like I am starting all over. Yet this time I feel the distance  between my life with Xander and my life without him growing out of control. I'll be driving down the highway and I can picture Xander sitting next to me, talking up a storm or singing along with the radio. It's warm and it's so real and my heart aches all at the same time. Then I literally want to vomit at the reality, that my child and his beautiful life are gone and I am left with a picture of him taped to my dashboard.

 If you see me, I almost always have a necklace on. I have acquired quite the collection; some with an X on them, a few with pictures on them. I love having the picture of all 4 of my kids around my necklace. I love the symbol of the X. Lately, I feel like there just aren't enough necklaces in the world to represent the piece of my heart that is missing.

The part of my heart that is missing is already with Jesus. I long for Jesus is a different way. I long for Heaven in a different way. I know that I am exactly where the Lord wants me to be, I know that Xander is exactly where he is supposed to be. Oh, how my heart longs for Xander to be here with us. I am grieving, but I grieve with hope and I cannot fathom it any other way.

I share this not because I want pity, but simply because I want to be real. I want to share the happy and the sad. I want others to know that each and every day I carry this sadness in my heart and each and every day I also carry true joy in my heart and true peace that passes all understanding. Each day I miss Xander, yet each day I am blessed to have Carter, Charli & McClain.

" The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him". Lamentations 3:24

running the race

Yesterday was my birthday. I am now 36 years old. I have had two birthdays since Xander went to be with Jesus. The thought that keeps ringing in my head is that someday when I am 50 years old..........Xander will still be gone. The 11 years and 9 months Xander lived on this earth seem like a dream. It seems so distant, I can't reach out and get it, I can't feel it. It's just gone. Lately when I look at a picture of Xander it is hard to breathe. This weird feeling comes over me, I have to tell myself that he really was here on this earth. I did give birth to him, take care of him, love him, sit with him in church, dress him up for Halloween, watch him play baseball and basketball, travel to different places with him for treatment, hold his hand, hear his voice..........watch him take his last breath. It really did happen, yet it seems so far from my reach.

I find myself speechless at times.

I simply miss my boy, I miss Xander.

I see so much of him in McClain. Her facial expressions kill me! I think it's her eyes.
Xander's personality shines brightly in miss Charli, no gray areas for those two!
And Carter. Man oh man, he makes me so proud. He is growing in every aspect of life. I try not to compare him to Xander, but I can't help but believe that Xander would be so proud of his little brother. Xander would love to know that Carter has kept their bedroom so organized, just how Xander kept it.
All these things are precious to me. All these thoughts and daily reminders of Xander are gifts from The Lord. Yet, painful

My nephew turned 12 recently. I didn't really think much about it approaching, yet suddenly it occurred to me that he is the first one of the cousins to pass Xander's age. He was born after Xander and now he is older than him. This is the first of many. Xander has 9 cousins that are younger than him, eventually they will all be older than him.
Life just keeps happening.
I'm doing what I never dreamed I could do...... I'm living life without Xander. There is laughter, there is joy and there are new adventures. Sometimes I'm hesitant because I feel like I'm betraying my grief or my love for Xander. It's a struggle. It's a struggle that Satan wants to win. I have to claim victory in Jesus.

 Acts 20:24 " However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me, the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace"

Xander finished his race. I am still in mine. Part of my race is the task of living after the death of a child. What is that supposed to look like? What is the purpose of it all? I am truly trying. I am trying to bring glory to the Lord. I am trying to find joy in the midst of this suffering. Nothing should matter more than to run my race with perseverance and embrace what the Lord has planned for me.

Nothing should matter more to any of us than to complete the task the Lord has given to us.