first things

We have had a lot of  "firsts" lately. Xander's first birthday, our first Thunder game as a family (if you know Xander......this one was really big), we are soon to have the first Thanksgiving without him, and today we will head to Breckenridge for the first time without him. To be even more specific we will head North on I-35 and cross the Kansas border without him. I-35N has carried us to the clinic a million times over the last 9 years and in the last year to Kansas city at least a dozen times. So will this be hard? The answer is yes. But everything is hard these days!
We are headed to the mountains to ski with our dearest friends. We will be making new memories with Carter, Charli and McClain. All of these things are precious. How does my heart make room for new memories, when all I want to do is cling to the old memories with every fiber of my being? I will constantly be thinking of "what could have been" and "what should be". I will constantly be thinking of Xander.
I want to share a passage that God used powerfully in my life in September 2007. I love looking back through my Bible and journal to see how the scripture has had such perfect timing in my life. 

Psalm 33
1Sing joyfully to the Lord, you righteous;
    it is fitting for the upright to praise him.
² Praise the Lord with the harp;
    make music to him on the ten-stringed lyre.
³ Sing to him a new song;
    play skillfully, and shout for joy.

⁴ For the word of the Lord is right and true;
    he is faithful in all he does.
⁵ The Lord loves righteousness and justice;
    the earth is full of his unfailing love.

⁶ By the word of the Lord the heavens were made,
    their starry host by the breath of his mouth.
⁷ He gathers the waters of the sea into jars^[a];
    he puts the deep into storehouses.
⁸ Let all the earth fear the Lord;
    let all the people of the world revere him.
⁹ For he spoke, and it came to be;
    he commanded, and it stood firm.

¹⁰ The Lord foils the plans of the nations;
    he thwarts the purposes of the peoples.
¹¹ But the plans of the Lord stand firm forever,
    the purposes of his heart through all generations.

¹² Blessed is the nation whose God is the Lord,
    the people he chose for his inheritance.
¹³ From heaven the Lord looks down
    and sees all mankind;
¹⁴ from his dwelling place he watches
    all who live on earth—
¹⁵ he who forms the hearts of all,
    who considers everything they do.

¹⁶ No king is saved by the size of his army;
    no warrior escapes by his great strength.
¹⁷ A horse is a vain hope for deliverance;
    despite all its great strength it cannot save.
¹⁸ But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear him,
    on those whose hope is in his unfailing love,
¹⁹ to deliver them from death
    and keep them alive in famine.

²⁰ We wait in hope for the Lord;
    he is our help and our shield.
²¹ In him our hearts rejoice,
    for we trust in his holy name.
²² May your unfailing love be with us, Lord,
    even as we put our hope in you.

I'm not a theologian, but to me this passage was comforting years ago and again now. The purpose of God's heart does not change. His plans stand firm forever. His purpose for our family has ALWAYS been for our good and His glory. He didn't just decide one day to take Xander from this earth. I believe it was His plan from the very beginning. Believing that helps me face each day, believing that makes the "what could have beens" a little easier. Our hope has been in Jesus, we waited for 9 years for healing for Xander. We waited for and hoped for deliverance from cancer. We got it!! Oh my how I longed for earthly healing. So now we wait for, we hope for Heaven. With all of my heart I know that His unfailing love will rest upon us until then.