Going to camp

I'm packing for youth camp and all I can think about is the suitcase I'm not packing. Carter, Doug and I will go without Xander. Still doesn't seem real at times. All the while I'm feeling this new life kick inside of me. Life is beautiful and so painful all in one breath. My heart rejoices and my heart hurts. This is just he way it will be. Oh dear Jesus, you have blessed us with so much. Thank you for the 11 years and 9 months we had Xander. Oh how I wish he was still here. I wish he was going to camp with all his friends tomorrow. 

"Rest in God alone, my soul, for my hope comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my stronghold; I will not be shaken. My salvation and glory depend on God, my strong rock. My refuge is in God. Trust in Him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts before Him. God is our refuge.  (‭Psalms‬ ‭62‬:‭5-8‬ HCSB)

I know that in my sadness, there is still joy. I know there are people hurting all over this world today that do not have joy. Without Jesus there is no joy. Even with Jesus we have to be willing to let  His joy fill our hearts. It's a choice. Because I believe in God's promises and stand on His truth. I know that joy, even on the days I don't feel it......I still know it in my heart. 

I pray that wherever this finds you today, you would trust God in all things, let His joy flood your soul. 

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow. Tomorrow we will go to camp. Please pray that lives are changed and that our youth will draw closer to the Lord this week and listen to His voice. Xander doesn't need church camp. Xander is already in the presence of his King, forever!

Baby #5

Doug and I will welcome our 5th child into the world November 2015. The exact month that Xander would be turning 14 yrs old.

About 15 months ago Doug and I began talking about another child. Do we? Don't we? Should we? Acting as if it was really our decision at all! We couldn't make up our minds so we decided to revisit it in a few months. Neither one of us could say 100% that we were done having kids. So, we decided to give it to the Lord. Let God decide! After all, He knows our hearts, He knows every desire, every motive, and everything we need. He knew we needed another baby!

The fact that this baby will be born in November, Xander's birthday month, is just the icing on the cake! God's timing is perfect. We never find out the gender of our baby until we hold them in our arms and that will be the same this time around. There are lots of questions and emotions that come with this pregnancy. Could God really give us another November baby boy? Would he look like Xander? Does God want Carter to have 3 little sisters? How much would Carter love having a little brother? Should we name him or her after Xander?

Then there are the reality statements; I will never have a picture of all my children. I will never feel complete. I will never see Xander hold this baby in his arms. I didn't get to see the look on Xander's face when we announced we were pregnant. Based on Carter, Charli and McClain's response I can only imagine the joy Xander would have expressed. Lord willing this baby will never know what it is like to sit in a clinic all day while big brother gets chemo. This baby will never eat out of a vending machine on a weekly basis! Our family is changing and Xander is missing it.

My heart knows peace, joy and sorrow. My heart is overflowing with thankfulness for this life inside of me. My heart longs to glorify the Lord. My heart misses Xander. I get to bring one more child into this world. One more child that will know the life and testimony of their big brother, Xander Hall Moore.  I remember in the first few months after Xander died, truly wondering how there could be goodness still in store for our family. I knew that the Lord still had blessings and goodness for us, but I really struggled with imagining what that would look like. Now I am getting a glimpse!

I hope you will rejoice with us as we wait for this baby's arrival and as we let the Lord prepare our hearts and our home.

Romans 15:13 "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit" 

grief

I am learning more and more about the seasons of grief. Unfortunately there is no rhyme or reason. There is no pattern that I have yet detected. Simply some days and even weeks are peaceful and then it comes like a tidal wave, and it feels like I am starting all over. Yet this time I feel the distance  between my life with Xander and my life without him growing out of control. I'll be driving down the highway and I can picture Xander sitting next to me, talking up a storm or singing along with the radio. It's warm and it's so real and my heart aches all at the same time. Then I literally want to vomit at the reality, that my child and his beautiful life are gone and I am left with a picture of him taped to my dashboard.

 If you see me, I almost always have a necklace on. I have acquired quite the collection; some with an X on them, a few with pictures on them. I love having the picture of all 4 of my kids around my necklace. I love the symbol of the X. Lately, I feel like there just aren't enough necklaces in the world to represent the piece of my heart that is missing.

The part of my heart that is missing is already with Jesus. I long for Jesus is a different way. I long for Heaven in a different way. I know that I am exactly where the Lord wants me to be, I know that Xander is exactly where he is supposed to be. Oh, how my heart longs for Xander to be here with us. I am grieving, but I grieve with hope and I cannot fathom it any other way.

I share this not because I want pity, but simply because I want to be real. I want to share the happy and the sad. I want others to know that each and every day I carry this sadness in my heart and each and every day I also carry true joy in my heart and true peace that passes all understanding. Each day I miss Xander, yet each day I am blessed to have Carter, Charli & McClain.

" The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him". Lamentations 3:24

running the race

Yesterday was my birthday. I am now 36 years old. I have had two birthdays since Xander went to be with Jesus. The thought that keeps ringing in my head is that someday when I am 50 years old..........Xander will still be gone. The 11 years and 9 months Xander lived on this earth seem like a dream. It seems so distant, I can't reach out and get it, I can't feel it. It's just gone. Lately when I look at a picture of Xander it is hard to breathe. This weird feeling comes over me, I have to tell myself that he really was here on this earth. I did give birth to him, take care of him, love him, sit with him in church, dress him up for Halloween, watch him play baseball and basketball, travel to different places with him for treatment, hold his hand, hear his voice..........watch him take his last breath. It really did happen, yet it seems so far from my reach.

I find myself speechless at times.

I simply miss my boy, I miss Xander.

I see so much of him in McClain. Her facial expressions kill me! I think it's her eyes.
Xander's personality shines brightly in miss Charli, no gray areas for those two!
And Carter. Man oh man, he makes me so proud. He is growing in every aspect of life. I try not to compare him to Xander, but I can't help but believe that Xander would be so proud of his little brother. Xander would love to know that Carter has kept their bedroom so organized, just how Xander kept it.
All these things are precious to me. All these thoughts and daily reminders of Xander are gifts from The Lord. Yet, painful

My nephew turned 12 recently. I didn't really think much about it approaching, yet suddenly it occurred to me that he is the first one of the cousins to pass Xander's age. He was born after Xander and now he is older than him. This is the first of many. Xander has 9 cousins that are younger than him, eventually they will all be older than him.
Life just keeps happening.
I'm doing what I never dreamed I could do...... I'm living life without Xander. There is laughter, there is joy and there are new adventures. Sometimes I'm hesitant because I feel like I'm betraying my grief or my love for Xander. It's a struggle. It's a struggle that Satan wants to win. I have to claim victory in Jesus.

 Acts 20:24 " However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me, the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace"

Xander finished his race. I am still in mine. Part of my race is the task of living after the death of a child. What is that supposed to look like? What is the purpose of it all? I am truly trying. I am trying to bring glory to the Lord. I am trying to find joy in the midst of this suffering. Nothing should matter more than to run my race with perseverance and embrace what the Lord has planned for me.

Nothing should matter more to any of us than to complete the task the Lord has given to us.

strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow

Tomorrow Carter will begin 6th grade, something his big brother never got to do. It is so unnatural and seems so wrong to watch Carter pass Xander, in size, in strength, and now in school.  I am in awe of the young man Carter is becoming, I can't help but wish that Xander were here to see it. I know Xander would be proud of Carter. It takes me back to the moment last summer  when we told Xander that his disease was progressing rapidly and that we just didn't have any treatment options that were promising. Xander did not want us to tell Carter. Xander did not want Carter to worry. Xander loved his little brother so much. I really can't believe I am going to watch Carter grow up without Xander.

On another note, tomorrow is also a big day for McClain. She will start all day pre-k. (pause)

I don't even know where to begin. I can't explain the thoughts and feelings raging through me at this moment. We are quickly approaching the one year mark of Xander's life ending on this earth and the beginning of his eternity with Jesus. I am replaying each day leading up to Aug. 22, 2013 over and over again in my head. Conversations with Xander, moments holding him and caring for him, his smell , his face, his smile, all of it. It seems like a lifetime ago, yet still so raw.

Of course McClain going to pre-k pales in comparison to Xander's death, but once again my role is about to change. I have cared for a child all day everyday for the last 12 1/2 years. Tomorrow after I leave McClain at school I will be on my own! Oh dear Jesus, I hope I can physically walk out of the building tomorrow morning.

Let's not forget Charli Joy.......she proudly announced this evening that she does not need (or want) me to walk her to her classroom in the morning. The big 3rd grader can handle it all on her own.  Wow, hit a momma while she is down :)

I'm not sure why I am sharing all of this, I don't want you to feel sorry for me. I simply want to share that in the midst of all of the pain and heartache, life is happening. Life has not stopped. At times I wish that the world would just slow down and let me stay right here, within the walls of the first year without Xander. It won't and it never will. We are growing, spiritually and physically. McClain is so tall and Carter seems huge all of the sudden. It is just going to keep on, and as it does, our calling is to continue to glorify the Lord, even if it hurts. Something that really penetrated my heart yesterday.......

Romans 5:2b-5a  "and we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we rejoice in our sufferings because we know that suffering produces perseverance.  perseverance, character and character, hope and hope does not disappoint us."

I kept rereading that last part. "hope does not disappoint us" ! The foot notes in my bible said this

" hope is not equal to the believers optimism, it is the blessed assurance of our future destiny, and is based on God's love, which is revealed to us by the Holy Spirit and objectively demonstrated to us in the death of Christ"

Ricki Lea's notes: Hope is not just wishful thinking, hope, my hope is based on something more than that.  it is based on God's love, the cross and resurrection. Now, I am not rejoicing over Xander's death, but the "suffering" and heartache I am going through has changed me, and it has created a deeper hope in me than I have ever had and God's word says it (hope) will not disappoint me, and I believe in God's word. To quote an old hymn; strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow, Great is thy faithfulness.

We have decided to host the first annual Xtraordinary Lemonade Stand on August 23, 2014. This event will be a time to gather with our friends and family to remember and celebrate the life of an amazing 11 year old boy. We will sell lemonade, hot dogs, and baked goods. All proceeds will benefit pediatric cancer patient families. So many times throughout our 9 year journey we were blessed in ways that were unexpected. Whether it was gas cards, cash for vehicle repairs, airline tickets, school supplies, utility bills being paid or Christmas gifts. People gave to us generously and allowed us to focus on Xander's treatment. My kids want to give back to others who are enduring the same things we did.

Lexington's Xtraordinary Lemonade Stand will be held in the city park of Lexington, OK

Saturday August 23, 2014 from 10-4pm

If you are not local and would like to purchase "virtual" lemonade please email me at moorerickilea@gmail.com and I will send you an invoice via paypal.  

Vacation Bible School

Vacation Bible School starts tomorrow. This will be my 13th year to direct VBS at First Baptist Lexington. Over the past 13 years VBS has been one of the highlights of our summer. I remember directing VBS when Carter was only 3 weeks old. I remember the very next year finding out that Xander had cancer and VBS was the very next week.  The year Charli decided she wanted to use the toilet and not wear diapers anymore was of course........the week of  VBS. McClain went to VBS when she was only 5 weeks old. Last year my very sick and frail Xander made it to every day of VBS except one and he only missed because he made a quick trip to Kansas City. This year, 2014, our family will attend VBS without Xander. Tonight I am laying out 5 VBS shirts instead of 6. I will take the kids picture tomorrow morning and Xander will be missing. I'm not quite sure what to do. I'm not quite sure of how I will hold my head up this week. My heart aches in ways I never knew it could. I close my eyes and picture Xander and he seems so out of reach and so far away. 

This week our VBS scripture is 1 Peter 3:15 " but honor the Messiah as Lord in your hearts. Always be ready to give a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you"

Our kids will study the many miracles that Jesus performed while on this earth. They will learn that Jesus was more than just a good man. Our kids will study the evidence that God really did send His son to die on the cross for our sins.   They will study the resurrection of our Lord and they will know how to tell others that Jesus is ALIVE and that He offers salvation to us all.

The hope that is in me is because of Jesus. The hope that will carry my family through this week and through the rest of our lives is found in Jesus.

Know why you have hope. Always be ready to defend it!

Walk with me down VBS memory lane.............

Xander, 6 months old VBS 2002

Xander (& Kaden) VBS 2003, 18 months old

VBS 2004, Carter 1 yr and Xander 2 1/2 yrs

VBS 2005 Xander 3 1/2 yrs and Carter 2 yrs

VBS 2006 Xander  and Carter (Charli must have been in the nursery)

VBS 2007 Charli  1 1/2 yrs

VBS 2008 Xander age 6 1/2 yrs

VBS 2009 McClain 5 weeks

My favorite one! VBS 2010

VBS 2011
Xander loved those green converse

VBS 2012 Xander 10 1/2 yrs, Carter 9 yrs, Charli 6 yrs and McClain 3 yrs

VBS 2013  7 weeks before Jesus called Xander home

10 years ago

Happy Father's Day 

Today is a big day for my heart.

We will celebrate my wonderful husband on this Father's Day. Knowing how I felt on Mother's Day, Doug will probably just want to "get through" it. Doug is an amazing father and he has been blessed with 4 amazing children, yet one is not here with us. The void is constantly there and today is a huge reminder

 (not that we need one) of the reality that our first born, the one who first called him dada is not here anymore.

Today also marks 10 years since we spent our first night at Children's Hospital. Oh how I remember every detail of that day. I remember Norman and Denise Behymer meeting us at the hospital. I remember Steve & Patsy George brought us a roll of quarters, Chris & Robin Wall brought me a pulled pork sandwich from Coaches, Gary Bonner handed me a bag with some Tylenol and Excedrin in it, probably took it right out of Teresa's purse and said "honey you are going to need this".  So many of our friends and family lined the hallway. I now know that we must have screamed "new kids on the block" to the rest of the floor. I prayed so hard that we were just passing through. Never realizing that we were going to become familiar faces on "3G". How on earth can I remember all those details plus so so much more? Because it was a life changing day. For 9 years I "celebrated" June 15, 2004 because Xander was surviving! Xander had beat all the statistics, he was still living and we were thankful. I think deep down I am still thankful for that day because it changed my entire outlook on life, it changed my relationship with the Lord, it was the beginning of some life changing moments for a lot of people (so I have heard over the years). I have never been the same since June 15, 2004.

But today, if I'm real honest, the raw, aching part of my soul wishes it had never happened. I wish Xander had never had to suffer, to endure all that he did. I wish he could have had a normal childhood, one not interrupted by hospital stays, needles, chemo, surgeries, and pain. I wish he were still here.

 Then I quickly shift to the fact that "Xander Hall Moore was not your normal kid" and can I really wish away all that The Lord had planned for him? Planned for me? Planned for Doug? Planned for Carter, Charli and McClain? Each of us have a story to tell because of Xander's life.

The thoughts, feelings, and memories that are a constant flood through my mind are very difficult to process. The daily phrase now days is "a year ago today we were doing this........" And soon I'll have to refer to "2 years ago......."

However, there is one thing that never changes and that is God's word. I could never quote this scripture enough,

"Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. (Psalm 139:16)

Ordained; established, determined, yes all of Xander's days were determined before one of them came to be. I will be sad, I will feel Xander's absence til the day I'm with Jesus, but I will not argue His word.

Thank you for taking the time to read this glimpse of my heart.