10 years ago

Happy Father's Day 

Today is a big day for my heart.

We will celebrate my wonderful husband on this Father's Day. Knowing how I felt on Mother's Day, Doug will probably just want to "get through" it. Doug is an amazing father and he has been blessed with 4 amazing children, yet one is not here with us. The void is constantly there and today is a huge reminder

 (not that we need one) of the reality that our first born, the one who first called him dada is not here anymore.

Today also marks 10 years since we spent our first night at Children's Hospital. Oh how I remember every detail of that day. I remember Norman and Denise Behymer meeting us at the hospital. I remember Steve & Patsy George brought us a roll of quarters, Chris & Robin Wall brought me a pulled pork sandwich from Coaches, Gary Bonner handed me a bag with some Tylenol and Excedrin in it, probably took it right out of Teresa's purse and said "honey you are going to need this".  So many of our friends and family lined the hallway. I now know that we must have screamed "new kids on the block" to the rest of the floor. I prayed so hard that we were just passing through. Never realizing that we were going to become familiar faces on "3G". How on earth can I remember all those details plus so so much more? Because it was a life changing day. For 9 years I "celebrated" June 15, 2004 because Xander was surviving! Xander had beat all the statistics, he was still living and we were thankful. I think deep down I am still thankful for that day because it changed my entire outlook on life, it changed my relationship with the Lord, it was the beginning of some life changing moments for a lot of people (so I have heard over the years). I have never been the same since June 15, 2004.

But today, if I'm real honest, the raw, aching part of my soul wishes it had never happened. I wish Xander had never had to suffer, to endure all that he did. I wish he could have had a normal childhood, one not interrupted by hospital stays, needles, chemo, surgeries, and pain. I wish he were still here.

 Then I quickly shift to the fact that "Xander Hall Moore was not your normal kid" and can I really wish away all that The Lord had planned for him? Planned for me? Planned for Doug? Planned for Carter, Charli and McClain? Each of us have a story to tell because of Xander's life.

The thoughts, feelings, and memories that are a constant flood through my mind are very difficult to process. The daily phrase now days is "a year ago today we were doing this........" And soon I'll have to refer to "2 years ago......."

However, there is one thing that never changes and that is God's word. I could never quote this scripture enough,

"Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. (Psalm 139:16)

Ordained; established, determined, yes all of Xander's days were determined before one of them came to be. I will be sad, I will feel Xander's absence til the day I'm with Jesus, but I will not argue His word.

Thank you for taking the time to read this glimpse of my heart.