Today Doug and I celebrate 15 years of marriage. as I look
back on these 15 years I'm amazed!! I'm amazed at all we have been through. I'm
in awe of the blessings and I'm in awe of the sorrow. I sit here thinking about
the next 15 years, wondering how they will compare to the first 15. Xander
won't be in them. Xander won't be in
them. I'm not really quite sure what to
say after that.
When Doug and I said "I do" May 27, 1999 we had no
idea the journey the Lord had planned for us. No one ever does. We simply
pledge in faith that no matter what we face, we will face it together. This day
marks the start of our family. It began with just us. We were married 2 1/2
years then the Lord blessed us with Xander, 18 short months later Mr. Carter
Douglas came along. TWO boys!!!! I couldn't believe it, brothers so close in
age, they shared it all. We had 2 cribs up at one point. I loved it. Then
cancer showed up just one month after Carter's 1st birthday. We fought it hard
for 9 months, then remission. Then we found out we were pregnant again.
February 25, 2006 a precious baby Charli Joy was born. Xander was still in
remission, life was really good. He relapsed September 2007 and life was still
good. I found out I was pregnant again in September 2008 and McClain Faith was
born June 10, 2009. Two boys and two girls, are you kidding? It couldn't get
any better than that. Our family of 6
was exactly what I had dreamed of.
A part of me wishes time had stood still at that point for
forever, because the life we are currently living is painful. We are now a
family of 5. Oh yes, in my heart we will always be a family of 6, but when we
walk into a restaurant, buy tickets for a movie, load up in the car, or RSVP
for a party........there are only 5 of us.
I know in my heart that the Lord will bless us once again.
However it may be, I believe there is still goodness in my life in the days to
come. Can I even fathom it? No. Right now do I want to think about "a good
life" that doesn't include Xander? No. But I'm flawed, unlike the Lord who
is perfect. His ways are perfect. His plan is perfect.
"As for God, his way is perfect, the word of the Lord
is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in Him." Psalm 18:30
I am thankful for my husband and the priceless 15 years of
marriage we are celebrating. I am
thankful that in the midst of heartache and sorrow, we do truly love each other.
I am thankful that our hope is in Jesus and not in the things of this world.
I will never forget how firmly you and Doug redoubled your faith and your commitment to each other when cancer first entered your lives - you told us once that you were determined not to let this tear you apart. It is amazing how your faith in God and commitment to each other is so strong. Sending you both love, today and always.
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