6 months

 

I'm sitting here watching Carter and McClain play on the iPad together. Charli and Doug just left for the daddy daughter dance. Doug and I got home late last night from a wonderful week in Breckenridge. We skied and had the best time with precious friends. The kids are signed up for soccer, softball and baseball. I should be really excited about all the Spring activities.
But all I can think about is that Xander has been gone for 6 months today. It feels like eternity since I have held him and looked at his beautiful face. He is not with us. He is not here for all these little things. Tuesday Charli will turn 8. It's our first sibling birthday since Xander went to be with Jesus. He will miss it. We will miss him. We will keep going. There is not even a word to describe how Doug and I feel. I know that my true joy and happiness do not come from anything this world offers. Give me Jesus. Dear Jesus please carry me.

treasures in Heaven

Life is really moving forward. Despite all my efforts to freeze time, it keeps going. We have had a very cold and snowy winter. Lots of days spent indoors watching movies by the fire. Sounds perfect, huh? Its not, someone is missing. A son, a brother, our Xander is missing. Oh the ache in my heart! I think of all the things he loved about this time of year........he would have loved the movie marathons, free days from school, chicken and dumplings (which i cannot bring myself to make), playing in the snow, but most of all he would have loved the fact that he lived so close to the church gym that even the slick roads couldn't keep him away and that his father had a key!

Xander was our "go" child, and we are learning Charli is just like him. He wanted to go somewhere everyday and school didn't count. He was the first to remind us of a high school basketball game and the first to volunteer to go up to church early with his dad. He would jump at the chance to run errands with me. He loved everything about being with people and just being social.

This weekend was our youth Alpha Weekend (AKA Disciple Now back in the day). It was incredibly hard to think of anything other than the fact that Xander would have loved it. He would have been right in the middle of everything. His wheels would have been spinning with excitement that this time next year it would be his turn to be a REAL youth, not just the youth ministers son.
To be honest, I'm not sure how we are going to handle the reality that if Xander were here, he would be standing on the steps, quickly approaching the YOUTH GROUP! It literally hurts every part of me.

While it hurts, there is a precious warmth that comes over me as I see Xander's friends. I love to see all the kids that he loved so dearly. All the kids he went to school with since pre-k. I need to see them. I want to see them play basketball, as painful as it was. I want them to be involved in church. I want them to be involved in the youth ministry. There is a connection that I can't explain.

I am learning that Joy and Sorrow can coexist. I realize as each day passes that sadness is still so real and present. There is also laughter and joy in our home, which is normally followed by tears. Its just the way it is right now. This is just our life, this is our grief, this is our sadness, this is our joy and this is our thankfulness.

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed, perplexed but not in despair, persecuted but not abandoned, struck down but not destroyed."
2 Corinthians 4:7-9

My hurts, hardships, sufferings, joy and blessings are treasures in Heaven. This world can't take them from me.

holding on

I have tried to post something for several days now. I keep going over things in my mind that I want to share but then just can't put it into words.
Christmas was very nice. Very difficult but very nice. A friend who lost her son several years ago shared with me that the days leading up to the holidays were actually harder than the day itself. Although the day was hard and emotional, it was nothing compared to the couple of weeks leading up to it! The ache of Xander's absence is so real and there is only comfort in the hope of Heaven and the promise of Christs return.
Now its a new year. I don't want it to be! I don't want to enter into a year that Xander was never in. Even when I say it out loud it sounds crazy because there is absolutely nothing I can do to change it. But it did come and at this moment its just not fun or exciting to celebrate 2014.

2013 started out with so much hope of Xander's recovery from his transplant. Everything was going so smooth and Xander was feeling stronger and stronger with each day. I remember him begging the doctor to let him go back to school early and once he went back to the basketball court you knew all was well! Oh what I would give to watch him play one more time. I know Carter would give anything to shoot with Xander one more time.

 2013 will be one of the most defining years of my life. It is in that year that I faced my worst fear. It is the year that I felt God's greatest peace. It is the year that I knew my first born son, Xander was so in tune with his savior. It is the year that I held his hand on so many occasions and assured Him that the Lord was in control. It is the year that I knew he was leaving us and bound for Heaven. It is the year that I savored so many things like never before and it was the year that I held him in my arms for the last time. So I will hold on to 2013 for the rest of my life.

Xander January 2013

Carter & Xander January 2013

silly kids April 2013

May 2013 he was proud of his muscles

McClain's 4th birthday June 2013

 

holding his hand and singing him to sleep at Falls Creek 2013

VBS July 2013: 6 weeks before Xander went to Heaven

December 2013, i don't even know what this caption should be :(

we will do this

Xander has been gone 117 days. I go to bed missing him and I wake up thinking about him. I keep thinking to myself.........we are really going to celebrate Christmas without him. I am wrapping presents for everyone but Xander. We are REALLY doing this!!! I DON'T WANT TO do this!!!
I never imagined it would hurt this bad. I never imagined the constant heaviness of my soul. The longing, the aching, it is constant. 

We opened a card yesterday and it made me cry. Charli looked at me and asked "why do people want to make us cry"? I told her it wasn't their fault!!! People just want to let us know they are still praying for us, but most importantly that they will never forget Xander. It is such a blessing to hear that Xander is on the hearts and minds of those around us. Yes, it does make me cry, but everything does.
I see Xander's face in everything we do. At church, at the mall, at Target and every time I drop Carter and Charli off at school.

We have been snow skiing, we have had 3 snow days, we have caroled at the nursing home, we volunteered at the church toy giveaway, we had the annual happy birthday party for Jesus at church......all of these things........Xander would have loved and he DID love them every year. 

So, I will do this. Doug and I will do this, Carter, Charli and McClain will do it too. We will live without Xander. As gross as it sounds, as heartbreaking as it is, it is reality. But, the sweeter reality is to know and believe with all of my heart that because of Jesus, Xander is the one who is truly LIVING.

first things

We have had a lot of  "firsts" lately. Xander's first birthday, our first Thunder game as a family (if you know Xander......this one was really big), we are soon to have the first Thanksgiving without him, and today we will head to Breckenridge for the first time without him. To be even more specific we will head North on I-35 and cross the Kansas border without him. I-35N has carried us to the clinic a million times over the last 9 years and in the last year to Kansas city at least a dozen times. So will this be hard? The answer is yes. But everything is hard these days!
We are headed to the mountains to ski with our dearest friends. We will be making new memories with Carter, Charli and McClain. All of these things are precious. How does my heart make room for new memories, when all I want to do is cling to the old memories with every fiber of my being? I will constantly be thinking of "what could have been" and "what should be". I will constantly be thinking of Xander.
I want to share a passage that God used powerfully in my life in September 2007. I love looking back through my Bible and journal to see how the scripture has had such perfect timing in my life. 

Psalm 33
1Sing joyfully to the Lord, you righteous;
    it is fitting for the upright to praise him.
² Praise the Lord with the harp;
    make music to him on the ten-stringed lyre.
³ Sing to him a new song;
    play skillfully, and shout for joy.

⁴ For the word of the Lord is right and true;
    he is faithful in all he does.
⁵ The Lord loves righteousness and justice;
    the earth is full of his unfailing love.

⁶ By the word of the Lord the heavens were made,
    their starry host by the breath of his mouth.
⁷ He gathers the waters of the sea into jars^[a];
    he puts the deep into storehouses.
⁸ Let all the earth fear the Lord;
    let all the people of the world revere him.
⁹ For he spoke, and it came to be;
    he commanded, and it stood firm.

¹⁰ The Lord foils the plans of the nations;
    he thwarts the purposes of the peoples.
¹¹ But the plans of the Lord stand firm forever,
    the purposes of his heart through all generations.

¹² Blessed is the nation whose God is the Lord,
    the people he chose for his inheritance.
¹³ From heaven the Lord looks down
    and sees all mankind;
¹⁴ from his dwelling place he watches
    all who live on earth—
¹⁵ he who forms the hearts of all,
    who considers everything they do.

¹⁶ No king is saved by the size of his army;
    no warrior escapes by his great strength.
¹⁷ A horse is a vain hope for deliverance;
    despite all its great strength it cannot save.
¹⁸ But the eyes of the Lord are on those who fear him,
    on those whose hope is in his unfailing love,
¹⁹ to deliver them from death
    and keep them alive in famine.

²⁰ We wait in hope for the Lord;
    he is our help and our shield.
²¹ In him our hearts rejoice,
    for we trust in his holy name.
²² May your unfailing love be with us, Lord,
    even as we put our hope in you.

I'm not a theologian, but to me this passage was comforting years ago and again now. The purpose of God's heart does not change. His plans stand firm forever. His purpose for our family has ALWAYS been for our good and His glory. He didn't just decide one day to take Xander from this earth. I believe it was His plan from the very beginning. Believing that helps me face each day, believing that makes the "what could have beens" a little easier. Our hope has been in Jesus, we waited for 9 years for healing for Xander. We waited for and hoped for deliverance from cancer. We got it!! Oh my how I longed for earthly healing. So now we wait for, we hope for Heaven. With all of my heart I know that His unfailing love will rest upon us until then.

he would be 12

All day long I have cried. Poor McClain doesn't know why on earth anyone would cry in Hobby Lobby! I decided to put up the Christmas tree today, which led to a quick trip to Hobby Lobby, which led to picking out something to put at the cemetery tomorrow. I looked at Happy Birthday signs. Just couldn't bring myself to get one. What do you put at the grave of a boy who would be turning 12? He wouldn't want flowers!! He would probably think it was silly to put anything there at all. After circling the store several times I decided whatever is placed at the cemetery will be for me, Xander's momma.
12 years ago tomorrow I delivered a beautiful baby boy with a full head of dark hair. Xander's hair has been a topic of conversation his whole life. I had never seen a more beautiful baby and I just couldn't believe he was ours. Xander was ours for 11 years and 9 months. The hardest yet most amazing years of my life. I don't know what we are supposed to do tomorrow. I don't know how we are supposed to "celebrate" Xander's birthday.
I'm posting a picture of the 1st time I got to hold Xander in my arms. I'm crying then, just like I am today. Except today my arms are empty.

what happens next

My son was diagnosed with Neuroblastoma in June 2004. Since that day I have emailed updates, kept a Caringbridge site, sent text messages and updated Facebook, all in an attempt to keep our prayer warriors in the loop. For 9 years I shared my heart with others. Sometimes on a daily basis depending on where we were in treatment or what the needs of our family were.  When Xander passed away  on August 22, 2013  it came to a halt. I just haven't been sure how to keep Xander's story going. I'm not sure what happens from this point on. I don't want to stop sharing my heart. I don't want Xander's story to end. So here I am nearly 3 months since Xander went to be with Jesus.  I'm uncertain of how this will work, but I'm ready to share. I want to allow others to walk this journey of grief with me, with my family.  What I prayed would never take place did, Xander is no longer on this earth. It doesn't seem real, but it is. Each day I wish it were different. Each day I know I can make it because Jesus lives. I can face uncertain days because He lives. All fear is gone because He lives. Because He lives, I can face tomorrow.