15 years of marriage

Today Doug and I celebrate 15 years of marriage. as I look back on these 15 years I'm amazed!! I'm amazed at all we have been through. I'm in awe of the blessings and I'm in awe of the sorrow. I sit here thinking about the next 15 years, wondering how they will compare to the first 15. Xander won't be in them.  Xander won't be in them.  I'm not really quite sure what to say after that.

When Doug and I said "I do" May 27, 1999 we had no idea the journey the Lord had planned for us. No one ever does. We simply pledge in faith that no matter what we face, we will face it together. This day marks the start of our family. It began with just us. We were married 2 1/2 years then the Lord blessed us with Xander, 18 short months later Mr. Carter Douglas came along. TWO boys!!!! I couldn't believe it, brothers so close in age, they shared it all. We had 2 cribs up at one point. I loved it. Then cancer showed up just one month after Carter's 1st birthday. We fought it hard for 9 months, then remission. Then we found out we were pregnant again. February 25, 2006 a precious baby Charli Joy was born. Xander was still in remission, life was really good. He relapsed September 2007 and life was still good. I found out I was pregnant again in September 2008 and McClain Faith was born June 10, 2009. Two boys and two girls, are you kidding? It couldn't get any better  than that. Our family of 6 was exactly what I had dreamed of.

A part of me wishes time had stood still at that point for forever, because the life we are currently living is painful. We are now a family of 5. Oh yes, in my heart we will always be a family of 6, but when we walk into a restaurant, buy tickets for a movie, load up in the car, or RSVP for a party........there are only 5 of us.

I know in my heart that the Lord will bless us once again. However it may be, I believe there is still goodness in my life in the days to come. Can I even fathom it? No. Right now do I want to think about "a good life" that doesn't include Xander? No. But I'm flawed, unlike the Lord who is perfect. His ways are perfect. His plan is perfect.  

"As for God, his way is perfect, the word of the Lord is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in Him."  Psalm 18:30

I am thankful for my husband and the priceless 15 years of marriage we are celebrating.  I am thankful that in the midst of heartache and sorrow, we do truly love each other. I am thankful that our hope is in Jesus and not in the things of this world.

Xander has been with Jesus for 278 days. My heart longs to see him.

National Day of Prayer

May 2, 2013  I stood in front of a large group of elementary students, teachers, and parents at a National Day of Prayer assembly. With Xander standing by my side, I shared about my belief in the power of prayer. I shared that over the last 9 years I had experienced firsthand the blessing of people praying for our family. I also shared that later that afternoon Xander would have a scan to determine if the pain he was in was caused by more cancer. It was a very emotional time on that stage. I had already turned in my notes, everything I was going to say had already been outlined a week prior. Then suddenly Xander was hurting and we are back to the doctor for testing. The thoughts racing through my head were different now. I stood there knowing that Xander was in pain. Knowing that it was probably more disease. Believing that God would conquer all of it, but being fearful of what that would mean for Xander and our family.

Today Xander is not standing by my side. Xander is standing next to his Savior. Xander is no longer in pain and I am no longer fearful.  God did conquer the disease and He conquered death.

 But my prayer life has been very different since Xander went to be with Jesus. For so many years I prayed for healing. I prayed for doctors. I prayed for a cure. I prayed for Xander. I prayed that God would be glorified through Xander's life.  Then suddenly, Xander is gone. Xander no longer needs our prayers. Xander has been healed. Xander's faith is now sight. Xander is living and breathing in the presence of the very one who hears our prayers.  Some days, most days actually, my heart is so heavy and full  that I don't even know how or what to pray.

Romans 8:26-27 "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.  And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God."

Some would ask, why do we even pray when God already knows our hearts? My answer is this; the time I spend in prayer is the sweetest part of my relationship with the Lord. The years I spent praying for Xander showed me more of the Lord's love and goodness than I could have ever imagined. It makes my faith stronger and it gives me confidence in the Lord's plans for me, because I KNOW HE HEARS ME!

my heart

I'm sitting in Xander and Carter's room. They have shared a room their entire lives. The walls are covered with photographs, drawings, hooks for hats and backpacks. The bookshelf is full. There might be room for a few more Lego displays, but it will be tight! The closet is jammed packed with clothes and lots of shoes, because we all know Xander loved shoes. The saddest thing is the empty bed. I don't know when Doug and I will be able to change anything. I feel close to Xander here. I can close my eyes and remember countless moments with my boys in this room.

Xander has been gone for 214 days. Each one of those days I have cried. Each one of those days I have longed for him to be here with us. Each one of those days I have looked at Carter, Charli and McClain and felt so fortunate, yet so incomplete and I have grieved for them and the loss of their brother. Each day I have thanked God for the impact Xander had in this world. Each day I am thankful that Xander is no longer suffering.

But this is beyond difficult. It's more than anyone could ever prepare themselves for. It's a constant struggle. I literally think of Xander all day long. I can't fathom what my grief would look like without Jesus, and yet there are people who face the same things I do everyday without Him. There are parents who put their child's body in the ground with no hope of ever seeing it again. There are people living this heartbreaking life on earth without the Hope and promise of Heaven. Oh I don't know how they breathe, much less truly live.

Even though my heart is broken in two, I can give it to the Lord. I can place my heart in His hands. I can cry out to Him for comfort and strength. I can read His word and focus on His goodness. I can grieve with hope.  

"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning;great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, the Lord is my portion therefore I will wait for him. The Lord is good to those whose hope is him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord."
Lamentations 3:22-26

6 months

 

I'm sitting here watching Carter and McClain play on the iPad together. Charli and Doug just left for the daddy daughter dance. Doug and I got home late last night from a wonderful week in Breckenridge. We skied and had the best time with precious friends. The kids are signed up for soccer, softball and baseball. I should be really excited about all the Spring activities.
But all I can think about is that Xander has been gone for 6 months today. It feels like eternity since I have held him and looked at his beautiful face. He is not with us. He is not here for all these little things. Tuesday Charli will turn 8. It's our first sibling birthday since Xander went to be with Jesus. He will miss it. We will miss him. We will keep going. There is not even a word to describe how Doug and I feel. I know that my true joy and happiness do not come from anything this world offers. Give me Jesus. Dear Jesus please carry me.

treasures in Heaven

Life is really moving forward. Despite all my efforts to freeze time, it keeps going. We have had a very cold and snowy winter. Lots of days spent indoors watching movies by the fire. Sounds perfect, huh? Its not, someone is missing. A son, a brother, our Xander is missing. Oh the ache in my heart! I think of all the things he loved about this time of year........he would have loved the movie marathons, free days from school, chicken and dumplings (which i cannot bring myself to make), playing in the snow, but most of all he would have loved the fact that he lived so close to the church gym that even the slick roads couldn't keep him away and that his father had a key!

Xander was our "go" child, and we are learning Charli is just like him. He wanted to go somewhere everyday and school didn't count. He was the first to remind us of a high school basketball game and the first to volunteer to go up to church early with his dad. He would jump at the chance to run errands with me. He loved everything about being with people and just being social.

This weekend was our youth Alpha Weekend (AKA Disciple Now back in the day). It was incredibly hard to think of anything other than the fact that Xander would have loved it. He would have been right in the middle of everything. His wheels would have been spinning with excitement that this time next year it would be his turn to be a REAL youth, not just the youth ministers son.
To be honest, I'm not sure how we are going to handle the reality that if Xander were here, he would be standing on the steps, quickly approaching the YOUTH GROUP! It literally hurts every part of me.

While it hurts, there is a precious warmth that comes over me as I see Xander's friends. I love to see all the kids that he loved so dearly. All the kids he went to school with since pre-k. I need to see them. I want to see them play basketball, as painful as it was. I want them to be involved in church. I want them to be involved in the youth ministry. There is a connection that I can't explain.

I am learning that Joy and Sorrow can coexist. I realize as each day passes that sadness is still so real and present. There is also laughter and joy in our home, which is normally followed by tears. Its just the way it is right now. This is just our life, this is our grief, this is our sadness, this is our joy and this is our thankfulness.

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed, perplexed but not in despair, persecuted but not abandoned, struck down but not destroyed."
2 Corinthians 4:7-9

My hurts, hardships, sufferings, joy and blessings are treasures in Heaven. This world can't take them from me.

holding on

I have tried to post something for several days now. I keep going over things in my mind that I want to share but then just can't put it into words.
Christmas was very nice. Very difficult but very nice. A friend who lost her son several years ago shared with me that the days leading up to the holidays were actually harder than the day itself. Although the day was hard and emotional, it was nothing compared to the couple of weeks leading up to it! The ache of Xander's absence is so real and there is only comfort in the hope of Heaven and the promise of Christs return.
Now its a new year. I don't want it to be! I don't want to enter into a year that Xander was never in. Even when I say it out loud it sounds crazy because there is absolutely nothing I can do to change it. But it did come and at this moment its just not fun or exciting to celebrate 2014.

2013 started out with so much hope of Xander's recovery from his transplant. Everything was going so smooth and Xander was feeling stronger and stronger with each day. I remember him begging the doctor to let him go back to school early and once he went back to the basketball court you knew all was well! Oh what I would give to watch him play one more time. I know Carter would give anything to shoot with Xander one more time.

 2013 will be one of the most defining years of my life. It is in that year that I faced my worst fear. It is the year that I felt God's greatest peace. It is the year that I knew my first born son, Xander was so in tune with his savior. It is the year that I held his hand on so many occasions and assured Him that the Lord was in control. It is the year that I knew he was leaving us and bound for Heaven. It is the year that I savored so many things like never before and it was the year that I held him in my arms for the last time. So I will hold on to 2013 for the rest of my life.

Xander January 2013

Carter & Xander January 2013

silly kids April 2013

May 2013 he was proud of his muscles

McClain's 4th birthday June 2013

 

holding his hand and singing him to sleep at Falls Creek 2013

VBS July 2013: 6 weeks before Xander went to Heaven

December 2013, i don't even know what this caption should be :(

we will do this

Xander has been gone 117 days. I go to bed missing him and I wake up thinking about him. I keep thinking to myself.........we are really going to celebrate Christmas without him. I am wrapping presents for everyone but Xander. We are REALLY doing this!!! I DON'T WANT TO do this!!!
I never imagined it would hurt this bad. I never imagined the constant heaviness of my soul. The longing, the aching, it is constant. 

We opened a card yesterday and it made me cry. Charli looked at me and asked "why do people want to make us cry"? I told her it wasn't their fault!!! People just want to let us know they are still praying for us, but most importantly that they will never forget Xander. It is such a blessing to hear that Xander is on the hearts and minds of those around us. Yes, it does make me cry, but everything does.
I see Xander's face in everything we do. At church, at the mall, at Target and every time I drop Carter and Charli off at school.

We have been snow skiing, we have had 3 snow days, we have caroled at the nursing home, we volunteered at the church toy giveaway, we had the annual happy birthday party for Jesus at church......all of these things........Xander would have loved and he DID love them every year. 

So, I will do this. Doug and I will do this, Carter, Charli and McClain will do it too. We will live without Xander. As gross as it sounds, as heartbreaking as it is, it is reality. But, the sweeter reality is to know and believe with all of my heart that because of Jesus, Xander is the one who is truly LIVING.