Four years later

Today I have cried so many tears. I've cried so many tears this week, this month..........the past 4 years. Every day hurts, but today stings. It stings because it's so real. You look at the calendar and it just screams at you. I think about enrolling Xander in 6th grade, buying his school supplies and a new backpack. He kept telling us he was going to go. I truly believed the Lord could raise Xander out of that bed and he could be healed, made whole again. Never once did I ever doubt the Lords power. But the Lord did start to reveal His plan........and it was not the same as my plan. The agony and sorrow our physical bodies felt as we watched Xander slowly drift away from us and move closer and closer to the presence of the Lord, was tremendous.

 I have replayed that day from 4 years ago in my mind over and over. Who came to the house. What happened leading up to those moments, the moment. How our children reacted, how we all reacted. What it must have looked like from the outside looking in.
How I thought I would never catch my breath. How I thought I would never be able to live without Xander.

I wrote in my journal just a few days before Xander died, "I'm not afraid of Xander dying, I'm afraid of living without him".
I share this because I want to be real. I want to let others who are grieving or hurting know that the journey is not easy. The roads we have traveled the past 4 years have been filled with darkness and light. I've said before that it's amazing that joy and sorrow can coexist. And still to this day the grief and sadness are real! There are seasons that are harder than others. This would be a hard one, school beginning, a new year, a fresh start, all things that Xander wanted. With each year that passes, Xander seems further and further away from us. We have so much life to live. The Lord is not finished with us.

If you have been in my home, you may have seen this picture. It was taken last October. I have not shared it because I'm just not sure what some will think of it and it is very personal. Honestly, it was very hard for me to look at when I first saw it. But quickly I fell in love with it.
When I close my eyes I see all 7 of us. This picture represents our family. It symbolizes so many things for Doug and I. Who knows how tall Xander would be or what he would look like. I kind of think Carter would be taller than him and that would drive Xander out of his mind!

Here we are 4 years later. We are living. We are living with pain, but we are living with joy. We even have a new life, and that little boy is a gift.
I'm thankful for all that we have 4 years later. I'm thankful that Doug and I still love each other deeply. I'm thankful for Carter, Charli, McClain, and Baker. They are constant reminders that God still has good for us! I am thankful for family and friends that share their memories of Xander and continue to grieve with us.
Xander stands in the presence of Jesus, His savior, someday we will stand there with him. My heart longs for that glorious day.

the Lighthouse

It has been 3 years and 8 months since Xander went to be with Jesus (1,311 days to be exact). The Lord has led us to this moment. We are returning, Xander is not physically with us, but we carry everything he believed in, lived for and taught us in our hearts.


Today we will load up and head to the Lighthouse. The Lighthouse is a retreat for families living with pediatric cancer. There are about 18 retreats each year that take place along the beaches of Destin, Florida. Our family had the privilege of attending the Lighthouse as a patient family on two different occasions. This time we will attend as a family partner. We are ready and anxious!

In 2011 Xander was in amazing health when we went to the Lighthouse, he won the cannon ball splash contest and no one would have ever known he was "the sick one" if it weren't for the scars on his body. It was an amazing time and we were served by wonderful family partners. We knew then that someday when Xander's cancer treatment was over, we would return as family partners.

In 2012 Xander's treatment schedule did not allow us to attend as a family, but Doug took a group of high school students to serve.

In 2013, one month before Xander passed away, we made the trip to the Lighthouse. It was all Xander wanted to do, this time he was 80% wheelchair bound. The two trips were complete opposites. Xander was dying. We knew that the Lord must perform a mighty miracle for Xander's body to be restored. Our dreams of returning as a family to serve with Xander were slowly fading. But we still knew we would return.

The Lighthouse has been a blessing to our family. The families that served us became dear to our hearts. They loved us, encouraged us, cried and rejoiced with us. We so badly desire to be just that this week.  My plan was to serve as a family and let Xander tell of the healing power of God and for him to bodly share the hope of Jesus with families that were hurting. The Lord's plan was different. I pray that the Lord will use us this week to share the hope of Jesus, to share the joy that can only come from knowing Jesus, to encourage and love these families that are in a place that might seem hopeless.

The Lighthouse is free for patient families. All fundraising and support comes from family partners. We have raised money through Xander's Lemonade Stand and t-shirt sales. However, it is not to late to make a donation to this effort. Simply go online to

https://app.mobilecause.com/vf/LFR2017/RickiLeaMoore


We appreciate your prayers and support.

the lunch box

We are having a big garage sale at the Xander Annex this Saturday to raise money for our FBC Lexington Youth Mission Fund. I have been cleaning out closets and drawers which is always difficult. I have never thought of myself as a “pack rat” or a “hoarder” but I do like to hang on to things. Today I found myself crying in the kitchen floor holding a superman lunch box with Xander Moore written in Sharpe on the back. There is no way to tell you all the things that ran through my mind when I saw that lunch box. But, here are a few……..I will never label anything for Xander again, this was the last character lunch box Xander ever asked for, will I let Baker carry it to school, what if Baker loses it, is Xander really gone, and then it happens; my heart just falls to the floor in pieces over a lunch box.

There are some things that send me to the floor, literally. It is like I’m being suffocated and I can’t get air. Grief and sadness can really physically hurt. I don’t have these moments as often as I used to but they still come. I remember a friend who lost a child years before I did telling me that waves of intense sadness will continue to come, some days you can stand up through them and then some days they wipe you out.

Xander’s lunchbox represents what used to be. It represents school and how much he loved it. It bears his name. It isn’t the most significant thing I have of his, but it was his. This lunchbox allowed me to have a good hard cry. It allowed me to thank the Lord for Xander. It allowed me to remember precious days of the past. As I am typing this, I’m reminded of this old chorus we used to sing in church.

The steadfast love of the Lord never changes,

His mercies never come to an end.

For they are new every morning, new every morning.

 Great is thy faithfulness Oh Lord.

 Great is thy faithfulness.

God is faithful. And I will be keeping the lunch box.

Legacy

A big day! Carter played his very last little league baseball game at our home field in Lexington. There are two players left in the league this season that at one time or another played on the same team as Xander. We took a picture of the two boys, one is Carter and the other is Carson Claunch (little bro to Xander’s beloved Kaden)

Carter is growing up. He is moving into a different phase in life. A phase that Xander did not get to live. It makes my heart hurt and swell with pride all at once.
Another reason this day is big is because 12 years ago Xander spent his 1st night at Children’s Hospital. I can remember every detail. For 9 years we celebrated that day by recognizing the miracle God had performed right in front of our eyes! It’s a weird feeling now because it is a day that stands out to me so vividly, but I’m not sure how to acknowledge it. It’s a day that changed my life forever. If you asked me this morning how I felt about June 15, 2004 and I were to be truly honest I would have said I’m not thankful for that day anymore. Something happened today that changed my mind.
This evening a dear friend sent me the following text message
“I had to let you know that one of my good friends is at children's church camp this week and just text me saying, "Steph! The preacher is telling Xander's story tonight." She had sat in Sunday school with me for years listening to my prayer requests for Xander and feels like she knows him.. Trey is also in the audience listening to Xander's story tonight. I'm filled with adoration for Xander's witness and heartbreak for your continued pain. Just wanted you to know Xander's legacy is preaching tonight. I love you- Steph”

I just sat and cried.
Wow.
 “Xander’s legacy is preaching tonight”

So many thoughts ran through my head, things like “what preacher”? “what camp”?

It didn’t really matter, but inside I was dying to know!!!!

You see, I don’t know the exact message preached, I don’t know all the details and stories shared. But what I do know is that God led the pastor to share Xander’s story for a purpose.
 We have always wanted God to be glorified!!!
What more could I ask for?
Truly, as a Christian it should be my greatest desire for others to know Christ. I should long for people to hear of God’s power and love.
I now know the name of the camp pastor and I can say with full confidence that he shared exactly that.

My heart finds comfort in knowing that Xander’s life was not lived in vain.  Xander’s suffering, my suffering, Doug’s suffering, our children’s suffering does not continue without a purpose.
I’m thankful for today. I’m thankful that for the phrase “ Xander’s legacy is preaching tonight”
preach on Xander Man!

a thankful heartache

Starting with McClain’s baptism and Baker’s baby dedication at church on Mother's Day and ending today with the birth of my nephew………the past 2 weeks have been full.

McClain accepted Christ as her personal Lord and Savior on Easter Sunday. This is the most important thing we as parents pray for! Her baptism was her public commitment and act of obedience in following Jesus. Then Doug and I, along with our church family pledged to raise Baker in a Christ following home and teach him the word of God, praying for him to one day surrender his life to the Lord.

A few days later Carter turned 13 and McClain graduated from kindergarten. I sat there next to my 13 yr old son, listening to all the kindergarteners sing and smile and I just cried.

I didn’t cry because McClain was growing up, I cried because of all the hope and promise those little babies on stage represented. I cried because this was my 4th child to graduate from kindergarten and all the hopes and dreams I have had for each one of them came rushing in. Each and every parent that sat there was filled with pride and joy for their child, anticipating the day that their child will graduate high school and how quickly it will come. 

Xander is not here to celebrate these moments with us. He is not here to enter high school in August. He is not here to play catch with Carter. He is not here to take family pictures. He is not here to live life with us. He will not be here ever again. It shakes me to my core. Xander has been gone from this earth for 1001 days, and just the other night as we were leaving a ball game I found myself looking around and counting heads and couldn’t shake the fact that one of mine was missing. It is so bizarre how incomplete it feels. 

This last week my heart has been so full, I mean full to the brim. I live a beautiful life in my opinion. This is not what I would have chosen for Doug and I. But I am truly thankful. I am thankful for every thought I have of Xander. I am thankful for every moment he was in my arms. I am thankful for every tear I cry. I am thankful that I see Xander in Baker’s little face and when Baker grunts at me, I smile because Xander did the same thing.  The Lord will use my heartache. He will use my heartache to mold me and shape me into what He wants me to be. 

And then today……a sweet baby boy entered the world, born to my sister in law and brother in law. A little boy who will never know Xander Hall Moore this side of eternity, but will carry his name on earth. Wilson Hall Morreau, I have yet to hold you in my arms but I have prayed for your health and safe delivery. You and Baker Hall will be the best of cousins and I can’t wait til both of you are old enough to understand the miraculous power of God displayed in Xander’s big 11 years and 9 months.

Life with Baker Hall Moore

“The beauty I am experiencing with Baker right now I will never get to share with Xander, but the beauty that Xander is experiencing right now will someday be mine as well”

                                             

                                                                                                        

Our family welcomed Baker Hall Moore into the world on October 23, 2015 at 9:45pm. Baker weighed 8lbs 6oz and was 21 1/2 in long. Oh the joy and tears that flooded our home that night were indescribable. Carter rejoiced because he was so thankful to have a little brother and not another sister!! As I held the baby in my arms for the first time I still did not know if it was a boy or a girl. I simply knew that I was holding a new life, my baby had taken its first breath in the same room where Xander took his last breath. It was surreal. It was agonizing. It was beautiful. It was ordained by God. It was painful. It was a gift. The purest joy was present at the same time the purest of sorrow. Once again I was reminded that only God can allow someone to feel such extremes at the same time.

My entire pregnancy I was aware of how emotional it would be to welcome a new member of the family and continue to grieve for Xander. When I found out I was pregnant my very first thought was “I’ll never have a picture with all my babies”. I never imagined just how difficult the labor and delivery process would be. I underestimated the heaviness of grief and how it would affect labor. I am thankful for my husband and his complete calmness that day. Doug’s ability to meet all my needs was a blessing. I am thankful for my midwife who has known me for years, delivered Carter and Charli with me and was present at Xander and McClain’s births even in the hospital. She helped me embrace the sadness, fear and beauty of Baker’s birth. 

Baker is now 5 1/2 months old. He brings so much sweetness to our lives. His little face looks like Carter and his mannerisms are like Xander. Carter tells me all the time "its the best of both of them". He is right. 

We are full swing into baseball, softball, and T-ball. Baker has learned to go with the flow! It's a little weird watching your 7th grade son run track while holding a baby. I am constantly reminded that when Carter graduates high school, Baker will graduate kindergarten!!!

There are so many moments that I wish I could share with Xander. So many times when we are all together experiencing one of Baker's "firsts" my heart will simply ache for Xander. Longing to see him hold Baker in his arms. Longing to have a picture with all 5 of my children. For the last 963 days of my life; I have missed Xander. My family has changed drastically. The family pictures that hang on my walls are now missing Baker, but new ones will not have Xander. UGH! 

We took pictures last month and when I looked at our family pic for the first time it looked so weird, kind of funny. Here Doug and I are with these 3 big kids and a baby :)

I literally laughed out loud. 

The point being this; life is good, but life hurts. From the moment that Xander physically left our home and entered into the presence of Jesus; life kept going. Some days its like I'm watching everything happen in slow motion. Its moving forward and I am trying to hold onto it with all my might. It will never slow down and it will never stop. I want to capture it all and I want to savor it. Yet, we are moving further and further away from the life with Xander. How can I live both of them together? 

I will continue to thank the Lord for the moments that I think of Xander, smile and have perfect peace. I will also continue to thank the Lord for the moments that I think of Xander, cry and feel my heart crumbling. It is in these moments that I experience God in the most personal ways. It is during these times that I must surrender to His will and wait patiently for the work He is still doing in me.

Enjoy the pictures and feel free to laugh (and cry) with me!

Xander's Funeral

About 2 months ago I came across some pictures on my dad’s computer. Pictures that I had no idea existed. Pictures that only my uncle Randy would take. Pictures that I am forever grateful for.

2 years ago on this very day, August 26, 2013, we celebrated Xander’s life and placed his earthly body in the ground. It was a surreal day, a beautiful sunshine day, a day Doug and I prayed we would never have to experience. No parent should ever have to bury their child. But we did, and we are still living and breathing to tell about it. Time has continued to move forward, even on the days we wished it would just stop, it hasn’t. As I look back on these pictures I see just how much Carter, Charli and McClain have grown and physically changed. I see just how much Xander’s friends have grown. These were babies, children………having to carry the casket of their dear friend. Nothing about these pictures is normal.

Yet, I could look at them all day long. I can look at them and remember the ache in my body. The physical depth of grief we were living. As I scroll through each picture I notice the people who were there to support us, to hug us and to cry with us. The people who LOVED Xander Hall Moore, the people who had cried out to God to heal this child, the people who carried us when we were too weak to function. Everyone from family, police officers, football players, best friends, teachers, doctors, nurses, and even some complete strangers filled the church that day.

We are still grieving and some days my body still physically aches and longs to hold Xander in my arms, to hear his voice, oh to hear his laughter. But we live, because Jesus lives, we live and we face each day with hope. The same hope that carried us through 9 years of battling cancer is the same hope we had on the day Xander took his last breath and it is the very same hope we had when we looked at his earthly body one last time. Our hope is JESUS! I pray that you would know that very same hope that can only be found in Jesus.

Here are a few of the pictures from Xander's Funeral service

Going to camp

I'm packing for youth camp and all I can think about is the suitcase I'm not packing. Carter, Doug and I will go without Xander. Still doesn't seem real at times. All the while I'm feeling this new life kick inside of me. Life is beautiful and so painful all in one breath. My heart rejoices and my heart hurts. This is just he way it will be. Oh dear Jesus, you have blessed us with so much. Thank you for the 11 years and 9 months we had Xander. Oh how I wish he was still here. I wish he was going to camp with all his friends tomorrow. 

"Rest in God alone, my soul, for my hope comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my stronghold; I will not be shaken. My salvation and glory depend on God, my strong rock. My refuge is in God. Trust in Him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts before Him. God is our refuge.  (‭Psalms‬ ‭62‬:‭5-8‬ HCSB)

I know that in my sadness, there is still joy. I know there are people hurting all over this world today that do not have joy. Without Jesus there is no joy. Even with Jesus we have to be willing to let  His joy fill our hearts. It's a choice. Because I believe in God's promises and stand on His truth. I know that joy, even on the days I don't feel it......I still know it in my heart. 

I pray that wherever this finds you today, you would trust God in all things, let His joy flood your soul. 

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow. Tomorrow we will go to camp. Please pray that lives are changed and that our youth will draw closer to the Lord this week and listen to His voice. Xander doesn't need church camp. Xander is already in the presence of his King, forever!

Baby #5

Doug and I will welcome our 5th child into the world November 2015. The exact month that Xander would be turning 14 yrs old.

About 15 months ago Doug and I began talking about another child. Do we? Don't we? Should we? Acting as if it was really our decision at all! We couldn't make up our minds so we decided to revisit it in a few months. Neither one of us could say 100% that we were done having kids. So, we decided to give it to the Lord. Let God decide! After all, He knows our hearts, He knows every desire, every motive, and everything we need. He knew we needed another baby!

The fact that this baby will be born in November, Xander's birthday month, is just the icing on the cake! God's timing is perfect. We never find out the gender of our baby until we hold them in our arms and that will be the same this time around. There are lots of questions and emotions that come with this pregnancy. Could God really give us another November baby boy? Would he look like Xander? Does God want Carter to have 3 little sisters? How much would Carter love having a little brother? Should we name him or her after Xander?

Then there are the reality statements; I will never have a picture of all my children. I will never feel complete. I will never see Xander hold this baby in his arms. I didn't get to see the look on Xander's face when we announced we were pregnant. Based on Carter, Charli and McClain's response I can only imagine the joy Xander would have expressed. Lord willing this baby will never know what it is like to sit in a clinic all day while big brother gets chemo. This baby will never eat out of a vending machine on a weekly basis! Our family is changing and Xander is missing it.

My heart knows peace, joy and sorrow. My heart is overflowing with thankfulness for this life inside of me. My heart longs to glorify the Lord. My heart misses Xander. I get to bring one more child into this world. One more child that will know the life and testimony of their big brother, Xander Hall Moore.  I remember in the first few months after Xander died, truly wondering how there could be goodness still in store for our family. I knew that the Lord still had blessings and goodness for us, but I really struggled with imagining what that would look like. Now I am getting a glimpse!

I hope you will rejoice with us as we wait for this baby's arrival and as we let the Lord prepare our hearts and our home.

Romans 15:13 "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit" 

grief

I am learning more and more about the seasons of grief. Unfortunately there is no rhyme or reason. There is no pattern that I have yet detected. Simply some days and even weeks are peaceful and then it comes like a tidal wave, and it feels like I am starting all over. Yet this time I feel the distance  between my life with Xander and my life without him growing out of control. I'll be driving down the highway and I can picture Xander sitting next to me, talking up a storm or singing along with the radio. It's warm and it's so real and my heart aches all at the same time. Then I literally want to vomit at the reality, that my child and his beautiful life are gone and I am left with a picture of him taped to my dashboard.

 If you see me, I almost always have a necklace on. I have acquired quite the collection; some with an X on them, a few with pictures on them. I love having the picture of all 4 of my kids around my necklace. I love the symbol of the X. Lately, I feel like there just aren't enough necklaces in the world to represent the piece of my heart that is missing.

The part of my heart that is missing is already with Jesus. I long for Jesus is a different way. I long for Heaven in a different way. I know that I am exactly where the Lord wants me to be, I know that Xander is exactly where he is supposed to be. Oh, how my heart longs for Xander to be here with us. I am grieving, but I grieve with hope and I cannot fathom it any other way.

I share this not because I want pity, but simply because I want to be real. I want to share the happy and the sad. I want others to know that each and every day I carry this sadness in my heart and each and every day I also carry true joy in my heart and true peace that passes all understanding. Each day I miss Xander, yet each day I am blessed to have Carter, Charli & McClain.

" The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him". Lamentations 3:24

running the race

Yesterday was my birthday. I am now 36 years old. I have had two birthdays since Xander went to be with Jesus. The thought that keeps ringing in my head is that someday when I am 50 years old..........Xander will still be gone. The 11 years and 9 months Xander lived on this earth seem like a dream. It seems so distant, I can't reach out and get it, I can't feel it. It's just gone. Lately when I look at a picture of Xander it is hard to breathe. This weird feeling comes over me, I have to tell myself that he really was here on this earth. I did give birth to him, take care of him, love him, sit with him in church, dress him up for Halloween, watch him play baseball and basketball, travel to different places with him for treatment, hold his hand, hear his voice..........watch him take his last breath. It really did happen, yet it seems so far from my reach.

I find myself speechless at times.

I simply miss my boy, I miss Xander.

I see so much of him in McClain. Her facial expressions kill me! I think it's her eyes.
Xander's personality shines brightly in miss Charli, no gray areas for those two!
And Carter. Man oh man, he makes me so proud. He is growing in every aspect of life. I try not to compare him to Xander, but I can't help but believe that Xander would be so proud of his little brother. Xander would love to know that Carter has kept their bedroom so organized, just how Xander kept it.
All these things are precious to me. All these thoughts and daily reminders of Xander are gifts from The Lord. Yet, painful

My nephew turned 12 recently. I didn't really think much about it approaching, yet suddenly it occurred to me that he is the first one of the cousins to pass Xander's age. He was born after Xander and now he is older than him. This is the first of many. Xander has 9 cousins that are younger than him, eventually they will all be older than him.
Life just keeps happening.
I'm doing what I never dreamed I could do...... I'm living life without Xander. There is laughter, there is joy and there are new adventures. Sometimes I'm hesitant because I feel like I'm betraying my grief or my love for Xander. It's a struggle. It's a struggle that Satan wants to win. I have to claim victory in Jesus.

 Acts 20:24 " However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me, the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace"

Xander finished his race. I am still in mine. Part of my race is the task of living after the death of a child. What is that supposed to look like? What is the purpose of it all? I am truly trying. I am trying to bring glory to the Lord. I am trying to find joy in the midst of this suffering. Nothing should matter more than to run my race with perseverance and embrace what the Lord has planned for me.

Nothing should matter more to any of us than to complete the task the Lord has given to us.

strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow

Tomorrow Carter will begin 6th grade, something his big brother never got to do. It is so unnatural and seems so wrong to watch Carter pass Xander, in size, in strength, and now in school.  I am in awe of the young man Carter is becoming, I can't help but wish that Xander were here to see it. I know Xander would be proud of Carter. It takes me back to the moment last summer  when we told Xander that his disease was progressing rapidly and that we just didn't have any treatment options that were promising. Xander did not want us to tell Carter. Xander did not want Carter to worry. Xander loved his little brother so much. I really can't believe I am going to watch Carter grow up without Xander.

On another note, tomorrow is also a big day for McClain. She will start all day pre-k. (pause)

I don't even know where to begin. I can't explain the thoughts and feelings raging through me at this moment. We are quickly approaching the one year mark of Xander's life ending on this earth and the beginning of his eternity with Jesus. I am replaying each day leading up to Aug. 22, 2013 over and over again in my head. Conversations with Xander, moments holding him and caring for him, his smell , his face, his smile, all of it. It seems like a lifetime ago, yet still so raw.

Of course McClain going to pre-k pales in comparison to Xander's death, but once again my role is about to change. I have cared for a child all day everyday for the last 12 1/2 years. Tomorrow after I leave McClain at school I will be on my own! Oh dear Jesus, I hope I can physically walk out of the building tomorrow morning.

Let's not forget Charli Joy.......she proudly announced this evening that she does not need (or want) me to walk her to her classroom in the morning. The big 3rd grader can handle it all on her own.  Wow, hit a momma while she is down :)

I'm not sure why I am sharing all of this, I don't want you to feel sorry for me. I simply want to share that in the midst of all of the pain and heartache, life is happening. Life has not stopped. At times I wish that the world would just slow down and let me stay right here, within the walls of the first year without Xander. It won't and it never will. We are growing, spiritually and physically. McClain is so tall and Carter seems huge all of the sudden. It is just going to keep on, and as it does, our calling is to continue to glorify the Lord, even if it hurts. Something that really penetrated my heart yesterday.......

Romans 5:2b-5a  "and we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we rejoice in our sufferings because we know that suffering produces perseverance.  perseverance, character and character, hope and hope does not disappoint us."

I kept rereading that last part. "hope does not disappoint us" ! The foot notes in my bible said this

" hope is not equal to the believers optimism, it is the blessed assurance of our future destiny, and is based on God's love, which is revealed to us by the Holy Spirit and objectively demonstrated to us in the death of Christ"

Ricki Lea's notes: Hope is not just wishful thinking, hope, my hope is based on something more than that.  it is based on God's love, the cross and resurrection. Now, I am not rejoicing over Xander's death, but the "suffering" and heartache I am going through has changed me, and it has created a deeper hope in me than I have ever had and God's word says it (hope) will not disappoint me, and I believe in God's word. To quote an old hymn; strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow, Great is thy faithfulness.

We have decided to host the first annual Xtraordinary Lemonade Stand on August 23, 2014. This event will be a time to gather with our friends and family to remember and celebrate the life of an amazing 11 year old boy. We will sell lemonade, hot dogs, and baked goods. All proceeds will benefit pediatric cancer patient families. So many times throughout our 9 year journey we were blessed in ways that were unexpected. Whether it was gas cards, cash for vehicle repairs, airline tickets, school supplies, utility bills being paid or Christmas gifts. People gave to us generously and allowed us to focus on Xander's treatment. My kids want to give back to others who are enduring the same things we did.

Lexington's Xtraordinary Lemonade Stand will be held in the city park of Lexington, OK

Saturday August 23, 2014 from 10-4pm

If you are not local and would like to purchase "virtual" lemonade please email me at moorerickilea@gmail.com and I will send you an invoice via paypal.  

Vacation Bible School

Vacation Bible School starts tomorrow. This will be my 13th year to direct VBS at First Baptist Lexington. Over the past 13 years VBS has been one of the highlights of our summer. I remember directing VBS when Carter was only 3 weeks old. I remember the very next year finding out that Xander had cancer and VBS was the very next week.  The year Charli decided she wanted to use the toilet and not wear diapers anymore was of course........the week of  VBS. McClain went to VBS when she was only 5 weeks old. Last year my very sick and frail Xander made it to every day of VBS except one and he only missed because he made a quick trip to Kansas City. This year, 2014, our family will attend VBS without Xander. Tonight I am laying out 5 VBS shirts instead of 6. I will take the kids picture tomorrow morning and Xander will be missing. I'm not quite sure what to do. I'm not quite sure of how I will hold my head up this week. My heart aches in ways I never knew it could. I close my eyes and picture Xander and he seems so out of reach and so far away. 

This week our VBS scripture is 1 Peter 3:15 " but honor the Messiah as Lord in your hearts. Always be ready to give a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you"

Our kids will study the many miracles that Jesus performed while on this earth. They will learn that Jesus was more than just a good man. Our kids will study the evidence that God really did send His son to die on the cross for our sins.   They will study the resurrection of our Lord and they will know how to tell others that Jesus is ALIVE and that He offers salvation to us all.

The hope that is in me is because of Jesus. The hope that will carry my family through this week and through the rest of our lives is found in Jesus.

Know why you have hope. Always be ready to defend it!

Walk with me down VBS memory lane.............

Xander, 6 months old VBS 2002

Xander (& Kaden) VBS 2003, 18 months old

VBS 2004, Carter 1 yr and Xander 2 1/2 yrs

VBS 2005 Xander 3 1/2 yrs and Carter 2 yrs

VBS 2006 Xander  and Carter (Charli must have been in the nursery)

VBS 2007 Charli  1 1/2 yrs

VBS 2008 Xander age 6 1/2 yrs

VBS 2009 McClain 5 weeks

My favorite one! VBS 2010

VBS 2011
Xander loved those green converse

VBS 2012 Xander 10 1/2 yrs, Carter 9 yrs, Charli 6 yrs and McClain 3 yrs

VBS 2013  7 weeks before Jesus called Xander home

10 years ago

Happy Father's Day 

Today is a big day for my heart.

We will celebrate my wonderful husband on this Father's Day. Knowing how I felt on Mother's Day, Doug will probably just want to "get through" it. Doug is an amazing father and he has been blessed with 4 amazing children, yet one is not here with us. The void is constantly there and today is a huge reminder

 (not that we need one) of the reality that our first born, the one who first called him dada is not here anymore.

Today also marks 10 years since we spent our first night at Children's Hospital. Oh how I remember every detail of that day. I remember Norman and Denise Behymer meeting us at the hospital. I remember Steve & Patsy George brought us a roll of quarters, Chris & Robin Wall brought me a pulled pork sandwich from Coaches, Gary Bonner handed me a bag with some Tylenol and Excedrin in it, probably took it right out of Teresa's purse and said "honey you are going to need this".  So many of our friends and family lined the hallway. I now know that we must have screamed "new kids on the block" to the rest of the floor. I prayed so hard that we were just passing through. Never realizing that we were going to become familiar faces on "3G". How on earth can I remember all those details plus so so much more? Because it was a life changing day. For 9 years I "celebrated" June 15, 2004 because Xander was surviving! Xander had beat all the statistics, he was still living and we were thankful. I think deep down I am still thankful for that day because it changed my entire outlook on life, it changed my relationship with the Lord, it was the beginning of some life changing moments for a lot of people (so I have heard over the years). I have never been the same since June 15, 2004.

But today, if I'm real honest, the raw, aching part of my soul wishes it had never happened. I wish Xander had never had to suffer, to endure all that he did. I wish he could have had a normal childhood, one not interrupted by hospital stays, needles, chemo, surgeries, and pain. I wish he were still here.

 Then I quickly shift to the fact that "Xander Hall Moore was not your normal kid" and can I really wish away all that The Lord had planned for him? Planned for me? Planned for Doug? Planned for Carter, Charli and McClain? Each of us have a story to tell because of Xander's life.

The thoughts, feelings, and memories that are a constant flood through my mind are very difficult to process. The daily phrase now days is "a year ago today we were doing this........" And soon I'll have to refer to "2 years ago......."

However, there is one thing that never changes and that is God's word. I could never quote this scripture enough,

"Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be. (Psalm 139:16)

Ordained; established, determined, yes all of Xander's days were determined before one of them came to be. I will be sad, I will feel Xander's absence til the day I'm with Jesus, but I will not argue His word.

Thank you for taking the time to read this glimpse of my heart.

15 years of marriage

Today Doug and I celebrate 15 years of marriage. as I look back on these 15 years I'm amazed!! I'm amazed at all we have been through. I'm in awe of the blessings and I'm in awe of the sorrow. I sit here thinking about the next 15 years, wondering how they will compare to the first 15. Xander won't be in them.  Xander won't be in them.  I'm not really quite sure what to say after that.

When Doug and I said "I do" May 27, 1999 we had no idea the journey the Lord had planned for us. No one ever does. We simply pledge in faith that no matter what we face, we will face it together. This day marks the start of our family. It began with just us. We were married 2 1/2 years then the Lord blessed us with Xander, 18 short months later Mr. Carter Douglas came along. TWO boys!!!! I couldn't believe it, brothers so close in age, they shared it all. We had 2 cribs up at one point. I loved it. Then cancer showed up just one month after Carter's 1st birthday. We fought it hard for 9 months, then remission. Then we found out we were pregnant again. February 25, 2006 a precious baby Charli Joy was born. Xander was still in remission, life was really good. He relapsed September 2007 and life was still good. I found out I was pregnant again in September 2008 and McClain Faith was born June 10, 2009. Two boys and two girls, are you kidding? It couldn't get any better  than that. Our family of 6 was exactly what I had dreamed of.

A part of me wishes time had stood still at that point for forever, because the life we are currently living is painful. We are now a family of 5. Oh yes, in my heart we will always be a family of 6, but when we walk into a restaurant, buy tickets for a movie, load up in the car, or RSVP for a party........there are only 5 of us.

I know in my heart that the Lord will bless us once again. However it may be, I believe there is still goodness in my life in the days to come. Can I even fathom it? No. Right now do I want to think about "a good life" that doesn't include Xander? No. But I'm flawed, unlike the Lord who is perfect. His ways are perfect. His plan is perfect.  

"As for God, his way is perfect, the word of the Lord is flawless. He is a shield for all who take refuge in Him."  Psalm 18:30

I am thankful for my husband and the priceless 15 years of marriage we are celebrating.  I am thankful that in the midst of heartache and sorrow, we do truly love each other. I am thankful that our hope is in Jesus and not in the things of this world.

Xander has been with Jesus for 278 days. My heart longs to see him.

National Day of Prayer

May 2, 2013  I stood in front of a large group of elementary students, teachers, and parents at a National Day of Prayer assembly. With Xander standing by my side, I shared about my belief in the power of prayer. I shared that over the last 9 years I had experienced firsthand the blessing of people praying for our family. I also shared that later that afternoon Xander would have a scan to determine if the pain he was in was caused by more cancer. It was a very emotional time on that stage. I had already turned in my notes, everything I was going to say had already been outlined a week prior. Then suddenly Xander was hurting and we are back to the doctor for testing. The thoughts racing through my head were different now. I stood there knowing that Xander was in pain. Knowing that it was probably more disease. Believing that God would conquer all of it, but being fearful of what that would mean for Xander and our family.

Today Xander is not standing by my side. Xander is standing next to his Savior. Xander is no longer in pain and I am no longer fearful.  God did conquer the disease and He conquered death.

 But my prayer life has been very different since Xander went to be with Jesus. For so many years I prayed for healing. I prayed for doctors. I prayed for a cure. I prayed for Xander. I prayed that God would be glorified through Xander's life.  Then suddenly, Xander is gone. Xander no longer needs our prayers. Xander has been healed. Xander's faith is now sight. Xander is living and breathing in the presence of the very one who hears our prayers.  Some days, most days actually, my heart is so heavy and full  that I don't even know how or what to pray.

Romans 8:26-27 "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.  And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God."

Some would ask, why do we even pray when God already knows our hearts? My answer is this; the time I spend in prayer is the sweetest part of my relationship with the Lord. The years I spent praying for Xander showed me more of the Lord's love and goodness than I could have ever imagined. It makes my faith stronger and it gives me confidence in the Lord's plans for me, because I KNOW HE HEARS ME!

my heart

I'm sitting in Xander and Carter's room. They have shared a room their entire lives. The walls are covered with photographs, drawings, hooks for hats and backpacks. The bookshelf is full. There might be room for a few more Lego displays, but it will be tight! The closet is jammed packed with clothes and lots of shoes, because we all know Xander loved shoes. The saddest thing is the empty bed. I don't know when Doug and I will be able to change anything. I feel close to Xander here. I can close my eyes and remember countless moments with my boys in this room.

Xander has been gone for 214 days. Each one of those days I have cried. Each one of those days I have longed for him to be here with us. Each one of those days I have looked at Carter, Charli and McClain and felt so fortunate, yet so incomplete and I have grieved for them and the loss of their brother. Each day I have thanked God for the impact Xander had in this world. Each day I am thankful that Xander is no longer suffering.

But this is beyond difficult. It's more than anyone could ever prepare themselves for. It's a constant struggle. I literally think of Xander all day long. I can't fathom what my grief would look like without Jesus, and yet there are people who face the same things I do everyday without Him. There are parents who put their child's body in the ground with no hope of ever seeing it again. There are people living this heartbreaking life on earth without the Hope and promise of Heaven. Oh I don't know how they breathe, much less truly live.

Even though my heart is broken in two, I can give it to the Lord. I can place my heart in His hands. I can cry out to Him for comfort and strength. I can read His word and focus on His goodness. I can grieve with hope.  

"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning;great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, the Lord is my portion therefore I will wait for him. The Lord is good to those whose hope is him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord."
Lamentations 3:22-26

6 months

 

I'm sitting here watching Carter and McClain play on the iPad together. Charli and Doug just left for the daddy daughter dance. Doug and I got home late last night from a wonderful week in Breckenridge. We skied and had the best time with precious friends. The kids are signed up for soccer, softball and baseball. I should be really excited about all the Spring activities.
But all I can think about is that Xander has been gone for 6 months today. It feels like eternity since I have held him and looked at his beautiful face. He is not with us. He is not here for all these little things. Tuesday Charli will turn 8. It's our first sibling birthday since Xander went to be with Jesus. He will miss it. We will miss him. We will keep going. There is not even a word to describe how Doug and I feel. I know that my true joy and happiness do not come from anything this world offers. Give me Jesus. Dear Jesus please carry me.

treasures in Heaven

Life is really moving forward. Despite all my efforts to freeze time, it keeps going. We have had a very cold and snowy winter. Lots of days spent indoors watching movies by the fire. Sounds perfect, huh? Its not, someone is missing. A son, a brother, our Xander is missing. Oh the ache in my heart! I think of all the things he loved about this time of year........he would have loved the movie marathons, free days from school, chicken and dumplings (which i cannot bring myself to make), playing in the snow, but most of all he would have loved the fact that he lived so close to the church gym that even the slick roads couldn't keep him away and that his father had a key!

Xander was our "go" child, and we are learning Charli is just like him. He wanted to go somewhere everyday and school didn't count. He was the first to remind us of a high school basketball game and the first to volunteer to go up to church early with his dad. He would jump at the chance to run errands with me. He loved everything about being with people and just being social.

This weekend was our youth Alpha Weekend (AKA Disciple Now back in the day). It was incredibly hard to think of anything other than the fact that Xander would have loved it. He would have been right in the middle of everything. His wheels would have been spinning with excitement that this time next year it would be his turn to be a REAL youth, not just the youth ministers son.
To be honest, I'm not sure how we are going to handle the reality that if Xander were here, he would be standing on the steps, quickly approaching the YOUTH GROUP! It literally hurts every part of me.

While it hurts, there is a precious warmth that comes over me as I see Xander's friends. I love to see all the kids that he loved so dearly. All the kids he went to school with since pre-k. I need to see them. I want to see them play basketball, as painful as it was. I want them to be involved in church. I want them to be involved in the youth ministry. There is a connection that I can't explain.

I am learning that Joy and Sorrow can coexist. I realize as each day passes that sadness is still so real and present. There is also laughter and joy in our home, which is normally followed by tears. Its just the way it is right now. This is just our life, this is our grief, this is our sadness, this is our joy and this is our thankfulness.

"But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed, perplexed but not in despair, persecuted but not abandoned, struck down but not destroyed."
2 Corinthians 4:7-9

My hurts, hardships, sufferings, joy and blessings are treasures in Heaven. This world can't take them from me.

holding on

I have tried to post something for several days now. I keep going over things in my mind that I want to share but then just can't put it into words.
Christmas was very nice. Very difficult but very nice. A friend who lost her son several years ago shared with me that the days leading up to the holidays were actually harder than the day itself. Although the day was hard and emotional, it was nothing compared to the couple of weeks leading up to it! The ache of Xander's absence is so real and there is only comfort in the hope of Heaven and the promise of Christs return.
Now its a new year. I don't want it to be! I don't want to enter into a year that Xander was never in. Even when I say it out loud it sounds crazy because there is absolutely nothing I can do to change it. But it did come and at this moment its just not fun or exciting to celebrate 2014.

2013 started out with so much hope of Xander's recovery from his transplant. Everything was going so smooth and Xander was feeling stronger and stronger with each day. I remember him begging the doctor to let him go back to school early and once he went back to the basketball court you knew all was well! Oh what I would give to watch him play one more time. I know Carter would give anything to shoot with Xander one more time.

 2013 will be one of the most defining years of my life. It is in that year that I faced my worst fear. It is the year that I felt God's greatest peace. It is the year that I knew my first born son, Xander was so in tune with his savior. It is the year that I held his hand on so many occasions and assured Him that the Lord was in control. It is the year that I knew he was leaving us and bound for Heaven. It is the year that I savored so many things like never before and it was the year that I held him in my arms for the last time. So I will hold on to 2013 for the rest of my life.

Xander January 2013

Carter & Xander January 2013

silly kids April 2013

May 2013 he was proud of his muscles

McClain's 4th birthday June 2013

 

holding his hand and singing him to sleep at Falls Creek 2013

VBS July 2013: 6 weeks before Xander went to Heaven

December 2013, i don't even know what this caption should be :(