Xander has been gone 117 days. I go to bed missing him and I wake up thinking about him. I keep thinking to myself.........we are really going to celebrate Christmas without him. I am wrapping presents for everyone but Xander. We are REALLY doing this!!! I DON'T WANT TO do this!!!
I never imagined it would hurt this bad. I never imagined the constant heaviness of my soul. The longing, the aching, it is constant.
We opened a card yesterday and it made me cry. Charli looked at me and asked "why do people want to make us cry"? I told her it wasn't their fault!!! People just want to let us know they are still praying for us, but most importantly that they will never forget Xander. It is such a blessing to hear that Xander is on the hearts and minds of those around us. Yes, it does make me cry, but everything does.
I see Xander's face in everything we do. At church, at the mall, at Target and every time I drop Carter and Charli off at school.
We have been snow skiing, we have had 3 snow days, we have caroled at the nursing home, we volunteered at the church toy giveaway, we had the annual happy birthday party for Jesus at church......all of these things........Xander would have loved and he DID love them every year.
So, I will do this. Doug and I will do this, Carter, Charli and McClain will do it too. We will live without Xander. As gross as it sounds, as heartbreaking as it is, it is reality. But, the sweeter reality is to know and believe with all of my heart that because of Jesus, Xander is the one who is truly LIVING.