I am learning more and more about the seasons of grief. Unfortunately
there is no rhyme or reason. There is no pattern that I have yet detected. Simply
some days and even weeks are peaceful and then it comes like a tidal wave, and
it feels like I am starting all over. Yet this time I feel the distance between my life with Xander and my life
without him growing out of control. I'll be driving down the highway and I can
picture Xander sitting next to me, talking up a storm or singing along with the
radio. It's warm and it's so real and my heart aches all at the same time. Then
I literally want to vomit at the reality, that my child and his beautiful life
are gone and I am left with a picture of him taped to my dashboard.
If you see me, I
almost always have a necklace on. I have acquired quite the collection; some
with an X on them, a few with pictures on them. I love having the picture of
all 4 of my kids around my necklace. I love the symbol of the X. Lately, I feel
like there just aren't enough necklaces in the world to represent the piece of
my heart that is missing.
The part of my heart that is missing is already with Jesus.
I long for Jesus is a different way. I long for Heaven in a different way. I
know that I am exactly where the Lord wants me to be, I know that Xander is
exactly where he is supposed to be. Oh, how my heart longs for Xander to be
here with us. I am grieving, but I grieve with hope and I cannot fathom it any
other way.
I share this not because I want pity, but simply because I want
to be real. I want to share the happy and the sad. I want others to know that
each and every day I carry this sadness in my heart and each and every day I also
carry true joy in my heart and true peace that passes all understanding. Each
day I miss Xander, yet each day I am blessed to have Carter, Charli & McClain.
" The Lord is my portion," says my soul,
"therefore I will hope in him". Lamentations 3:24
