Doug and I will welcome our 5th child into the world November 2015. The exact month that Xander would be turning 14 yrs old.
About 15 months ago Doug and I began talking about another child. Do we? Don't we? Should we? Acting as if it was really our decision at all! We couldn't make up our minds so we decided to revisit it in a few months. Neither one of us could say 100% that we were done having kids. So, we decided to give it to the Lord. Let God decide! After all, He knows our hearts, He knows every desire, every motive, and everything we need. He knew we needed another baby!
The fact that this baby will be born in November, Xander's birthday month, is just the icing on the cake! God's timing is perfect. We never find out the gender of our baby until we hold them in our arms and that will be the same this time around. There are lots of questions and emotions that come with this pregnancy. Could God really give us another November baby boy? Would he look like Xander? Does God want Carter to have 3 little sisters? How much would Carter love having a little brother? Should we name him or her after Xander?
Then there are the reality statements; I will never have a picture of all my children. I will never feel complete. I will never see Xander hold this baby in his arms. I didn't get to see the look on Xander's face when we announced we were pregnant. Based on Carter, Charli and McClain's response I can only imagine the joy Xander would have expressed. Lord willing this baby will never know what it is like to sit in a clinic all day while big brother gets chemo. This baby will never eat out of a vending machine on a weekly basis! Our family is changing and Xander is missing it.
My heart knows peace, joy and sorrow. My heart is overflowing with thankfulness for this life inside of me. My heart longs to glorify the Lord. My heart misses Xander. I get to bring one more child into this world. One more child that will know the life and testimony of their big brother, Xander Hall Moore. I remember in the first few months after Xander died, truly wondering how there could be goodness still in store for our family. I knew that the Lord still had blessings and goodness for us, but I really struggled with imagining what that would look like. Now I am getting a glimpse!
I hope you will rejoice with us as we wait for this baby's arrival and as we let the Lord prepare our hearts and our home.
Romans 15:13 "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit"