Monday, October 27, 2014

running the race

Yesterday was my birthday. I am now 36 years old. I have had two birthdays since Xander went to be with Jesus. The thought that keeps ringing in my head is that someday when I am 50 years old..........Xander will still be gone. The 11 years and 9 months Xander lived on this earth seem like a dream. It seems so distant, I can't reach out and get it, I can't feel it. It's just gone. Lately when I look at a picture of Xander it is hard to breathe. This weird feeling comes over me, I have to tell myself that he really was here on this earth. I did give birth to him, take care of him, love him, sit with him in church, dress him up for Halloween, watch him play baseball and basketball, travel to different places with him for treatment, hold his hand, hear his him take his last breath. It really did happen, yet it seems so far from my reach.

I find myself speechless at times.

I simply miss my boy, I miss Xander.

I see so much of him in McClain. Her facial expressions kill me! I think it's her eyes.
Xander's personality shines brightly in miss Charli, no gray areas for those two!
And Carter. Man oh man, he makes me so proud. He is growing in every aspect of life. I try not to compare him to Xander, but I can't help but believe that Xander would be so proud of his little brother. Xander would love to know that Carter has kept their bedroom so organized, just how Xander kept it.
All these things are precious to me. All these thoughts and daily reminders of Xander are gifts from The Lord. Yet, painful

My nephew turned 12 recently. I didn't really think much about it approaching, yet suddenly it occurred to me that he is the first one of the cousins to pass Xander's age. He was born after Xander and now he is older than him. This is the first of many. Xander has 9 cousins that are younger than him, eventually they will all be older than him.
Life just keeps happening.
I'm doing what I never dreamed I could do...... I'm living life without Xander. There is laughter, there is joy and there are new adventures. Sometimes I'm hesitant because I feel like I'm betraying my grief or my love for Xander. It's a struggle. It's a struggle that Satan wants to win. I have to claim victory in Jesus.

 Acts 20:24 " However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me, the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace"

Xander finished his race. I am still in mine. Part of my race is the task of living after the death of a child. What is that supposed to look like? What is the purpose of it all? I am truly trying. I am trying to bring glory to the Lord. I am trying to find joy in the midst of this suffering. Nothing should matter more than to run my race with perseverance and embrace what the Lord has planned for me.

Nothing should matter more to any of us than to complete the task the Lord has given to us.