Xander's Funeral

About 2 months ago I came across some pictures on my dad’s computer. Pictures that I had no idea existed. Pictures that only my uncle Randy would take. Pictures that I am forever grateful for.

2 years ago on this very day, August 26, 2013, we celebrated Xander’s life and placed his earthly body in the ground. It was a surreal day, a beautiful sunshine day, a day Doug and I prayed we would never have to experience. No parent should ever have to bury their child. But we did, and we are still living and breathing to tell about it. Time has continued to move forward, even on the days we wished it would just stop, it hasn’t. As I look back on these pictures I see just how much Carter, Charli and McClain have grown and physically changed. I see just how much Xander’s friends have grown. These were babies, children………having to carry the casket of their dear friend. Nothing about these pictures is normal.

Yet, I could look at them all day long. I can look at them and remember the ache in my body. The physical depth of grief we were living. As I scroll through each picture I notice the people who were there to support us, to hug us and to cry with us. The people who LOVED Xander Hall Moore, the people who had cried out to God to heal this child, the people who carried us when we were too weak to function. Everyone from family, police officers, football players, best friends, teachers, doctors, nurses, and even some complete strangers filled the church that day.

We are still grieving and some days my body still physically aches and longs to hold Xander in my arms, to hear his voice, oh to hear his laughter. But we live, because Jesus lives, we live and we face each day with hope. The same hope that carried us through 9 years of battling cancer is the same hope we had on the day Xander took his last breath and it is the very same hope we had when we looked at his earthly body one last time. Our hope is JESUS! I pray that you would know that very same hope that can only be found in Jesus.

Here are a few of the pictures from Xander's Funeral service

Going to camp

I'm packing for youth camp and all I can think about is the suitcase I'm not packing. Carter, Doug and I will go without Xander. Still doesn't seem real at times. All the while I'm feeling this new life kick inside of me. Life is beautiful and so painful all in one breath. My heart rejoices and my heart hurts. This is just he way it will be. Oh dear Jesus, you have blessed us with so much. Thank you for the 11 years and 9 months we had Xander. Oh how I wish he was still here. I wish he was going to camp with all his friends tomorrow. 

"Rest in God alone, my soul, for my hope comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my stronghold; I will not be shaken. My salvation and glory depend on God, my strong rock. My refuge is in God. Trust in Him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts before Him. God is our refuge.  (‭Psalms‬ ‭62‬:‭5-8‬ HCSB)

I know that in my sadness, there is still joy. I know there are people hurting all over this world today that do not have joy. Without Jesus there is no joy. Even with Jesus we have to be willing to let  His joy fill our hearts. It's a choice. Because I believe in God's promises and stand on His truth. I know that joy, even on the days I don't feel it......I still know it in my heart. 

I pray that wherever this finds you today, you would trust God in all things, let His joy flood your soul. 

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow. Tomorrow we will go to camp. Please pray that lives are changed and that our youth will draw closer to the Lord this week and listen to His voice. Xander doesn't need church camp. Xander is already in the presence of his King, forever!

Baby #5

Doug and I will welcome our 5th child into the world November 2015. The exact month that Xander would be turning 14 yrs old.

About 15 months ago Doug and I began talking about another child. Do we? Don't we? Should we? Acting as if it was really our decision at all! We couldn't make up our minds so we decided to revisit it in a few months. Neither one of us could say 100% that we were done having kids. So, we decided to give it to the Lord. Let God decide! After all, He knows our hearts, He knows every desire, every motive, and everything we need. He knew we needed another baby!

The fact that this baby will be born in November, Xander's birthday month, is just the icing on the cake! God's timing is perfect. We never find out the gender of our baby until we hold them in our arms and that will be the same this time around. There are lots of questions and emotions that come with this pregnancy. Could God really give us another November baby boy? Would he look like Xander? Does God want Carter to have 3 little sisters? How much would Carter love having a little brother? Should we name him or her after Xander?

Then there are the reality statements; I will never have a picture of all my children. I will never feel complete. I will never see Xander hold this baby in his arms. I didn't get to see the look on Xander's face when we announced we were pregnant. Based on Carter, Charli and McClain's response I can only imagine the joy Xander would have expressed. Lord willing this baby will never know what it is like to sit in a clinic all day while big brother gets chemo. This baby will never eat out of a vending machine on a weekly basis! Our family is changing and Xander is missing it.

My heart knows peace, joy and sorrow. My heart is overflowing with thankfulness for this life inside of me. My heart longs to glorify the Lord. My heart misses Xander. I get to bring one more child into this world. One more child that will know the life and testimony of their big brother, Xander Hall Moore.  I remember in the first few months after Xander died, truly wondering how there could be goodness still in store for our family. I knew that the Lord still had blessings and goodness for us, but I really struggled with imagining what that would look like. Now I am getting a glimpse!

I hope you will rejoice with us as we wait for this baby's arrival and as we let the Lord prepare our hearts and our home.

Romans 15:13 "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit" 

grief

I am learning more and more about the seasons of grief. Unfortunately there is no rhyme or reason. There is no pattern that I have yet detected. Simply some days and even weeks are peaceful and then it comes like a tidal wave, and it feels like I am starting all over. Yet this time I feel the distance  between my life with Xander and my life without him growing out of control. I'll be driving down the highway and I can picture Xander sitting next to me, talking up a storm or singing along with the radio. It's warm and it's so real and my heart aches all at the same time. Then I literally want to vomit at the reality, that my child and his beautiful life are gone and I am left with a picture of him taped to my dashboard.

 If you see me, I almost always have a necklace on. I have acquired quite the collection; some with an X on them, a few with pictures on them. I love having the picture of all 4 of my kids around my necklace. I love the symbol of the X. Lately, I feel like there just aren't enough necklaces in the world to represent the piece of my heart that is missing.

The part of my heart that is missing is already with Jesus. I long for Jesus is a different way. I long for Heaven in a different way. I know that I am exactly where the Lord wants me to be, I know that Xander is exactly where he is supposed to be. Oh, how my heart longs for Xander to be here with us. I am grieving, but I grieve with hope and I cannot fathom it any other way.

I share this not because I want pity, but simply because I want to be real. I want to share the happy and the sad. I want others to know that each and every day I carry this sadness in my heart and each and every day I also carry true joy in my heart and true peace that passes all understanding. Each day I miss Xander, yet each day I am blessed to have Carter, Charli & McClain.

" The Lord is my portion," says my soul, "therefore I will hope in him". Lamentations 3:24