Thursday, January 2, 2014

holding on

I have tried to post something for several days now. I keep going over things in my mind that I want to share but then just can't put it into words.
Christmas was very nice. Very difficult but very nice. A friend who lost her son several years ago shared with me that the days leading up to the holidays were actually harder than the day itself. Although the day was hard and emotional, it was nothing compared to the couple of weeks leading up to it! The ache of Xander's absence is so real and there is only comfort in the hope of Heaven and the promise of Christs return.
Now its a new year. I don't want it to be! I don't want to enter into a year that Xander was never in. Even when I say it out loud it sounds crazy because there is absolutely nothing I can do to change it. But it did come and at this moment its just not fun or exciting to celebrate 2014.

2013 started out with so much hope of Xander's recovery from his transplant. Everything was going so smooth and Xander was feeling stronger and stronger with each day. I remember him begging the doctor to let him go back to school early and once he went back to the basketball court you knew all was well! Oh what I would give to watch him play one more time. I know Carter would give anything to shoot with Xander one more time.

 2013 will be one of the most defining years of my life. It is in that year that I faced my worst fear. It is the year that I felt God's greatest peace. It is the year that I knew my first born son, Xander was so in tune with his savior. It is the year that I held his hand on so many occasions and assured Him that the Lord was in control. It is the year that I knew he was leaving us and bound for Heaven. It is the year that I savored so many things like never before and it was the year that I held him in my arms for the last time. So I will hold on to 2013 for the rest of my life.
Xander January 2013

Carter & Xander January 2013

silly kids April 2013
May 2013 he was proud of his muscles
McClain's 4th birthday June 2013
holding his hand and singing him to sleep at Falls Creek 2013
VBS July 2013: 6 weeks before Xander went to Heaven

December 2013, i don't even know what this caption should be :(


  1. I was with 2 friends recently who both lost their husbands in the last year and they also had said that the actual holiday/birthday/etc was better than the days leading up to it. I have been praying so much for your family. I know there is a hole in your heart. Praying Jesus fills it but leaves room for a big part of Xander to always stay there.

  2. love you and wish I could help in some way.... my heart hurts for you.

  3. I think the caption should be "They stand strong in their faith at Christmas and everyday". 2014 hopefully will be a year of healing. Xander will always be a part of your life and I do believe this blog will help you and others. Thank you, Ricki Lea. You are special just like he is.