Monday, September 26, 2016

the lunch box

We are having a big garage sale at the Xander Annex this Saturday to raise money for our FBC Lexington Youth Mission Fund. I have been cleaning out closets and drawers which is always difficult. I have never thought of myself as a “pack rat” or a “hoarder” but I do like to hang on to things. Today I found myself crying in the kitchen floor holding a superman lunch box with Xander Moore written in Sharpe on the back. There is no way to tell you all the things that ran through my mind when I saw that lunch box. But, here are a few……..I will never label anything for Xander again, this was the last character lunch box Xander ever asked for, will I let Baker carry it to school, what if Baker loses it, is Xander really gone, and then it happens; my heart just falls to the floor in pieces over a lunch box.
There are some things that send me to the floor, literally. It is like I’m being suffocated and I can’t get air. Grief and sadness can really physically hurt. I don’t have these moments as often as I used to but they still come. I remember a friend who lost a child years before I did telling me that waves of intense sadness will continue to come, some days you can stand up through them and then some days they wipe you out.
Xander’s lunchbox represents what used to be. It represents school and how much he loved it. It bears his name. It isn’t the most significant thing I have of his, but it was his. This lunchbox allowed me to have a good hard cry. It allowed me to thank the Lord for Xander. It allowed me to remember precious days of the past. As I am typing this, I’m reminded of this old chorus we used to sing in church.

The steadfast love of the Lord never changes,
His mercies never come to an end.
For they are new every morning, new every morning.
 Great is thy faithfulness Oh Lord.
 Great is thy faithfulness.

God is faithful. And I will be keeping the lunch box.

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