Friday, November 22, 2013

he would be 12

All day long I have cried. Poor McClain doesn't know why on earth anyone would cry in Hobby Lobby! I decided to put up the Christmas tree today, which led to a quick trip to Hobby Lobby, which led to picking out something to put at the cemetery tomorrow. I looked at Happy Birthday signs. Just couldn't bring myself to get one. What do you put at the grave of a boy who would be turning 12? He wouldn't want flowers!! He would probably think it was silly to put anything there at all. After circling the store several times I decided whatever is placed at the cemetery will be for me, Xander's momma.
12 years ago tomorrow I delivered a beautiful baby boy with a full head of dark hair. Xander's hair has been a topic of conversation his whole life. I had never seen a more beautiful baby and I just couldn't believe he was ours. Xander was ours for 11 years and 9 months. The hardest yet most amazing years of my life. I don't know what we are supposed to do tomorrow. I don't know how we are supposed to "celebrate" Xander's birthday.
I'm posting a picture of the 1st time I got to hold Xander in my arms. I'm crying then, just like I am today. Except today my arms are empty.


  1. ((hugs))

    You will think of something and it will be what needs to be done, for your family. We went to lunch at a place we had, had a lot of "take out" from during Liv's hospital stays. Then we went to Michaels and got stuff to make a stepping stone. We plan to make a butterfly garden in her memory and will make one each year to go in it. Whatever you do, or even if you do nothing, it's ok. You are walking a hard road. May your day be peaceful and restful.

  2. Anna's first bday after she died we had friends meet us at the cemetery where we sang, shared memories, and released balloons then we went back to our house for Anna's favorite dinner and charades of her favorite things. I felt like a wrung out dish rag and was never so glad to crawl in bed at the end of a day! One year we collected books and dum dums to take to the Ronald McDonald Room. Two years ago we invited all of our friends over for an outdoor movie and showed one of Anna's favorites. Last year we cooked dinner for the Ronald McDonald House. There is no "right" way to celebrate a child's birthday without them. Whatever you do is okay.

  3. Ricki Lea, may tomorrow be whatever you need it to be. Most of us have no idea what life is like for you and your family right now....for us and for those struggling through similar situations, I pray that your words may be a blessing. May they also be healing for you! Know we are continuing to pray for you.