Monday, March 24, 2014

my heart

I'm sitting in Xander and Carter's room. They have shared a room their entire lives. The walls are covered with photographs, drawings, hooks for hats and backpacks. The bookshelf is full. There might be room for a few more Lego displays, but it will be tight! The closet is jammed packed with clothes and lots of shoes, because we all know Xander loved shoes. The saddest thing is the empty bed. I don't know when Doug and I will be able to change anything. I feel close to Xander here. I can close my eyes and remember countless moments with my boys in this room.

Xander has been gone for 214 days. Each one of those days I have cried. Each one of those days I have longed for him to be here with us. Each one of those days I have looked at Carter, Charli and McClain and felt so fortunate, yet so incomplete and I have grieved for them and the loss of their brother. Each day I have thanked God for the impact Xander had in this world. Each day I am thankful that Xander is no longer suffering.

But this is beyond difficult. It's more than anyone could ever prepare themselves for. It's a constant struggle. I literally think of Xander all day long. I can't fathom what my grief would look like without Jesus, and yet there are people who face the same things I do everyday without Him. There are parents who put their child's body in the ground with no hope of ever seeing it again. There are people living this heartbreaking life on earth without the Hope and promise of Heaven. Oh I don't know how they breathe, much less truly live.

Even though my heart is broken in two, I can give it to the Lord. I can place my heart in His hands. I can cry out to Him for comfort and strength. I can read His word and focus on His goodness. I can grieve with hope.  

"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning;great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, the Lord is my portion therefore I will wait for him. The Lord is good to those whose hope is him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord."
Lamentations 3:22-26

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